Alternate Reality

Windows 8 Revealed: 10 Amazing New Features

Windows 8 is here. Well, it was here for a while, then it left. But it promised to come right back in a year or so. Meanwhile, here are 10 amazingly splendiferous new features to look forward to.

By (@eSarcasm)

September 13, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, it’s true: Despite all that is good and holy in the universe, Microsoft is coming out with yet another version of Windows. What will Win8 have in store? Follow us on this quick visual tour into “the world’s greatest** operating system”*

1. Faster Start Times

Windows 8 will now load in under 10 seconds. Of course, everything else — firewall, spam and virus filters, messaging software, Adobe updates, yadda yadda — will continue to take five minutes (though only 4 minutes if you tilt your CPU toward the northwest).

2. Faster Crash Times

Windows 8 is guaranteed to crash more quickly and thoroughly than any version of Windows yet invented. Thus the new Microsoft slogan: Boots in 10, Crashes in 20, Restores whenever it gets around to it.

3. The Toolbar Ribbon

These holdovers from Office 2010 combine every tool you could possibly want in one impossibly confusing easy to use place. As with BSODs, the ribbons will come in customizable colors, allowing you to show that you support our troops (yellow), disapprove of breast cancer (pink), raised the prize pig at the county fair (blue), or are big fans of Tony Orlando & Dawn (yellow + old oak tree).

4. Choice of BSOD colors

You say Windows 8 has just locked up tighter than an amphibian’s anus? You no longer have to stare at a depressing blue screen of death. Win8′s new xSODs come in a variety of attractive colors and patterns, including mauve, chartreuse, and gingham.

5. Developers Developers Developers

Nuff said.

6. DOS Window

While not actually a new feature, the DOS prompt has been a part of Windows for so long that no one left at Microsoft can figure out how to get rid of it.

7. Streamlined System Tray

Windows 8 features a newly streamlined desktop built with the modern computer user in mind. It has bright, colorful icons and a handy system tray area with approximately 79 unlabeled symbols. We’re pretty sure they all do something really important.

8. Extremely Touch-Sensitive Interface

Win8 will respond to touch as well as mouse and keyboard. One tap will open documents, two taps will launch applications, three taps means you’re starting to get a little impatient, and gentle stroking with the tip of your finger means you’re looking forward to doing the deed but have an early appointment the next morning and can’t spend the night cuddling despite how much you really want to.

9. Easy Peasy Controls

Windows 8 is all about doing what you want. That’s why Microsoft has expanded the system’s Control Panel to include 7,412 new categories, each with 2,804 subsections for your configuring pleasure.

10. Friendly Help

Need a helping hand? No worries: Windows 8 introduces a brand new virtual desktop assistant that’ll transform the way you think about tech support.

* Steve Ballmer threatened to beat us up if we didn’t say that.
** Greatness not guaranteed.






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Comments

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    From your description of the Toolbar Ribbon, it almost sounds like they hired old MySpace designers to implement it. Where are the “blink” and “insert MIDI” icons?

    (Comment from a Luddite who likes menus. And get off my lawn.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=759552657 Steven de Jong

    While this is of course all true, let us not forget the amazingly great new features of Windows’s main competitor, Mac OS X, of which a new and even more feline version has just been released with over 200 new features! For example, you can now make an application full-screen. Or you can pretend you have an iPad on your Mac. Last but not least, Apple also has invented a gesture they preliminarily like to call “right clicking”. This gesture will be patented.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=759552657 Steven de Jong

    While this is of course all true, let us not forget the amazingly great new features of Windows’s main competitor, Mac OS X, of which a new and even more feline version has just been released with over 200 new features! For example, you can now make an application full-screen. Or you can pretend you have an iPad on your Mac. Last but not least, Apple also has invented a gesture they preliminarily like to call “right clicking”. This gesture will be patented.

  • Meerkat

    I can hardly wait :-(