Rants In Our Pants

Dear Aol: Hire Us to Run TechCrunch

Now that TechCrunch is short one editor in chief, we have the perfect candidates for the job: Us. Please consider this list of our qualifications.

By (@eSarcasm)

September 8, 2011

TO:      Tim Armstrong, CEO, Aol.

FROM: JR & DT, principals, eSarcasm

RE:      The TechCrunch Job

Dear Tim:

We understand you have a job opening. Please consider this our joint application for the position of editor in chief of TechCrunch.

Yes, we know, the idea of having two chiefs is unusual. But RIM has been doing it for years. OK, maybe that’s a bad example. Still, it can work if managed correctly. And we know in our hearts we are the perfect fit for TechCrunch.

We think you’ll be impressed by our qualifications:

a. We are aces at fabricating stories based on conversations with imaginary friends. Also: We hear voices, all the friggin’ time.

b. We vow to follow strict ethical guidelines. If anyone offers to bribe us in exchange for favorable coverage, we will disclose it. We call that our “Show us the green and we’ll come clean” policy.

c. Like Aol., we’re really good at creating dumb logos. Don’t believe us? Look here.

d. We too suffer from AOCD – Apple Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. If we hear anything louder than a fart coming out of Cupertino, we are fully prepared to write 5000 words of highly uninformed speculation. Hey, MG Siegler has to take a vacation some day.

e. We can’t stand Kara Swisher either.*

f. Like your former TechCrunch chief, one of us bears an uncanny resemblance to a Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle – even down to sharing the same last name. That’s gotta count for something.

g. TechCrunch once tried to buy us. Then we tried to buy them. Then we both tried to buy Yahoo. None of it worked out, but we did learn a lot about “deal flow” during the experience. (And by “deal flow,” we mean of course, “hand jobs.”)

h. We have excellent penmanship. We don’t know if that’s really a qualification for the job, but we thought we’d just throw that out there.

i. JR’s sister used to work for a day care center, so he’s used to dealing with whiney brats who really just need their blankies and a nap

k. We also have 296,302 old Free AOL! discs and hundreds of 14.4 kbps modems in our possession (don’t ask). We’re willing to distribute them in seniors centers around the country, spreading the good word about your company.

l. It’s true we’ve had our differences in the past with Arianna. Like 10,987 other bloggers, we used to give our shit for free to write for the Huffington Post. Then there was that wild night in Alcapulco in 2003. (Did you know that after 16 shots of teuqila Arianna drops the Teutonic accent entirely and starts talking like Snooki from Jersey Shore? That totally blew us away.) But we’re willing to bury the hatchet if she is.

m. We’ve demonstrated the ability to run a thriving online business – and by "run a thriving online business," we mean "post mildly amusing stories onto a unprofitable web site read by almost seven people."

n. Editorial Integrity is our middle name. Our first name is Lackof. Put them together and you can see why we’re a perfect match for Aol.

(We were going to give 26 reasons, but we ran out of letters. Sorry.)

We realize you’re probably hearing from thousands hundreds more than two candidates at this moment, and there’s a remote chance you might not consider us to be the best fit. In that case, would you mind forwarding our resume to Roy Bostock at Yahoo? We hear there’s an opening over there, too.

* Just kidding Kara, you know we love you. How’s Walt? Did he get that packet of clips we sent?

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