Alternate Reality

Attention, Apple: I Have Your Missing iPhone 5

Call off your henchmen, Apple: Your lost iPhone 5 prototype is in safe hands. Also, if you could confirm this story, it’d really help me out of a bind.

By (@JRRaphael)

September 7, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

I don’t know if you’ve heard, but right now Apple’s going apeshit looking for a lost prototype of its magical and revolutionary iPhone 5. Yes, just like last year.

Apple Missing iPhone 5The crew from Cupertino reportedly sent a gang of thugs to some guy’s house in the Bay Area last week after an Apple employee left his iPhone 5 in a restaurant and it disappeared. So far, no one knows where the phone ended up — or who has it.

Well, Apple, I’m here to tell you: I have your missing iPhone 5. It’s in my apartment and in safe hands.

How do I know the item I have is actually your iPhone 5 prototype? Because a tape labeled “Sex with Jill – 2003” somehow appeared under my mattress last night. As I told my current girlfriend (not Jill), there’s no other logical explanation.

I always knew you guys disguised your iPhone prototypes to keep them from being conspicuous, but hiding the new iPhone 5 in a case designed to look like a sex tape I made with an ex-girlfriend was really a brilliant move. I mean, no one would ever expect that to be Apple’s next life-changing product. Well done, guys.

One curious point raised by my current girlfriend is why your company decided to hide its iPhone 5 prototype in my apartment. To be honest, that is a bit difficult to explain. Best I can guess, you thought it seemed like a safe location, especially with everyone in the world trying to figure out where that lost phone could be.

On a side note, I noticed your iPhone 4 antenna woes seem to be fixed with this new model. I was able to test the device a bit before my girlfriend broke it in half, and I’m happy to report that while using it, everything functioned just fine — no matter how I held it.

No need to send your mafia to my home, Apple; just get me your address and I’ll ship this prototype back to you ASAP. Despite my girlfriend’s unjustified rage, I’m sure you’ll be able to repair it and get it back in good working order.

Oh, and one more thing: The prototype was sticky when I got it. I don’t know anything about that.

[Image: (and about a thousand other places)]

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter