Alternate Reality

EXCLUSIVE: Ten New Rules for Using Google+

And you thought Google+ was picky about the name you use. G+ is planning to introduce a series of new rules to keep its users both well dressed and well behaved. Brace yourselves.

By (@eSarcasm)

July 26, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Google’s in hot water yet again. This time the search giant is catching heat over its attempt to police the names people use on their Google+ profiles. Over the last few weeks, hundreds thousands gazillions of G+ users have had their accounts terminated for picking an ‘inauthentic’ user name.

It’s all much ado over nothing, says Google’s Senior Vice President of Social, Vic Gundotra. G+’s names policy is merely there to set a positive tone, "like when a restaurant doesn’t allow people who aren’t wearing shirts to enter."

But names are just the beginning. eSarcasm has obtained a draft of an internal memo detailing other changes Google plans to make to its Community Standards. They are an eye opener.

Want to chill with your homies on G+? Better memorize the following ten rules.

1. All G+ members must wear shirts when using the service (except for that woman to the right). Pants, however, remain optional.

2. You must use your full real name to sign up for Google+. You must also provide a valid email address, a DNA sample, and an estimate of your penis and/or breast size.

3. If penis and/or breast size exceeds societal averages, you must provide photographic evidence when creating your account for verification purposes. Photos can be submitted directly to our quality control team at eschmidt@google.com.

4. Beginning next month we will allow G+ members to use nicknames in their profiles, provided they have been pre-approved by Google personnel. Please refer to the following list as a guideline choosing an appropriate nickname:

Permitted:
Sparky
Winky
Cuddles
YumYum
PookieFace

Not Permitted:
Biggie
Thumbs
Crusher
PootyTang
Guy*

5. We urge G+ users to please refrain from posting pictures of naked women on the service, unless they are of Google VP Marissa Meyer. We just can’t get enough of those.

6. G+ members who have slept with more than three women are forbidden from having more than 50,000 G+ followers.

7. Exception: Marissa Mayer. (And yes, we’re implying that she’s slept with a lot of women. This is our fantasy, okay?)

8. All posts regarding Google+ within Google+ must contain at least one of the following elements: a) effusive praise, b) giddy excitement, or c) deep gratitude to Google for bestowing this service upon us poor undeserving wretches. In the case of Robert Scoble and Mike Elgan, G+ posts must contain all three.

9. G+ users must not take the name of thy Page (Larry) in vain. And remember, every time you click that little rainbow colored +1 box, a tiny vibrator buzzes in Larry’s special place. Just FYI.

10. Negative commentary about other people and/or social media services will not be tolerated. We’re trying to foster a positive community spirit here at Google+, not like those ass-licking dickheads over at Facebook.

* But only if you’re Guy Kawasaki. Seriously, the dude’s a glorified Twitter bot. Don’t encourage him.

Google Minus logo courtesy of Mihir Naik.






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Comments

  • Anonymous

    Mmmm Like….

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      you’re staring at that hand-bra picture, aren’t you?

      • Anonymous

        OMG! Am I that obvious? Need to wear shades when ogling in public again……

        _____

        • http://www.facebook.com/dan.tynan Dan Tynan

          just do what we do and pretend to be blind. it’s why we always carry a white cane.

  • Pamela

    I was just informed that my google account has been terminated.  A little puzzling as I couldn’t get an account in the first place.  I was informed my user ID/and or password was not acceptable.  I was rejected beore I was rejected