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Google Condoms: Coming Soon?

This just in: Google has actually toyed with the idea of making a Google-branded condom (yes, seriously). Here are 20 slogans that could appear on the gRubber wrappers.

By (@eSarcasm)

July 18, 2011

Google CondomsIf you think Google is getting into too many different businesses now, just wait till you get a load of this: The company almost got into the business of getting busy.

Yeah, you read that right: Google was gonna make condoms. How do you like them apples?

The hard-to-swallow news comes from a new book by one of Google’s earliest employees, a guy named Douglas Edwards. The book, I’m Feeling Lucky: The Confessions of Google Employee Number 59, hits stores this Tuesday —  but The Wall Street Journal has a meaty excerpt online right now.

In the excerpt, Edwards describes a day when G-Founder Sergey Brin proposed using all of Google’s marketing budget to inoculate Chechen refugees against cholera. When that idea flopped, Edwards says Brin shot off a bold plan B:

“What if we gave out free Google-branded condoms to high-school students?”

Eh? Come again? Hang on, though: Strange as it sounds, we think the gCondom concept could actually be a stroke of genius. Proper sex, after all, is kind of like a Google beta product: An invitation is required for entry, hardware sometimes fails at the worst possible time, and even the biggest launch can feel premature.

So we’ve decided to help Google thrust forward with its prophylactic plan. We’ve come up with 20 stimulating slogans to go on the Google Condom wrappers. Because hey, if the G-Team is gonna beat off the stiff competition, it needs something good.

Go ahead, Google: Take your pick. And in advance, you’re welcome.

Google Condom Feeling LuckyGoogle Condom Slogan #1: I’m feeling lucky

Google Condom Slogan #2: SafeSex filter: moderate

Google Condom Slogan #3: Showing results for engorged penis.
                                               Search instead for inflamed venus?

Google Condom Slogan #4: Notice: Queries may finish in fractions of a second.

Google Condom Slogan #5: gRibbed for her pleasure

Google Condom Slogan #6: Google: We know how to support a large index

Google Condom Backdoor WarningGoogle Condom Slogan #7: Caution, ladies: Hackers may find hole in back door
                                               security

Google Condom Slogan #8: Advertise inside! Text limited to 12 to 96 characters,
                                               depending on the fella.

Google Condom Slogan #9: Advertise inside! All ads calculated on a cost-per-clit
                                               basis.

Google Condom Slogan #10: Google doesn’t go down — but you should

Google Condom Slogan #11: Note: Usage data automatically collected

Google Condom Slogan #12: +1 (we hope)

Google Condom Measurement  AnalyticsGoogle Condom Slogan #13: Measurement analytics available

Google Condom Slogan #14: Warning: Server load may be greater than expected.

Google Condom Slogan #15: Built by virgins, for virgins.

Google Condom Slogan #16: Upgrade your Google Condom with Buzz (and no, we
                                                 aren’t talking about the social network).

Google Condom Slogan #17: gCondom, gSpot. ‘Nuff said.

Google Condom Slogan #18: Go ahead and laugh. It’s still bigger than Bing.

Google Condom Slogan #19: Okay — maybe a little bit evil.

Google Condom Slogan #20: Google Condom: It’s like McAfee for Mr. Happy.

Google Condom logo courtesy iconnectdots.com; “I’m Feeling Lucky” condom courtesy fisherwy.blogspot.com.
Also, cheers to @ranhalt for the “safe sex filter” idea!

Got a good Google Condom slogan of your own? Don’t jerk around; leave it in the comments section below.






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Comments

  • Icy

    And what about the ToS?
    11.3. “… Google may (a)
    transmit or distribute your Content over various public networks and in
    various media; and (b) make such changes to your Content as are
    necessary to conform and adapt that Content …”

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      yep, exactly. they were totally talking about prophylactics there. nice catch.

  • Pamela

    I think it would be nice if these condoms had some kind of electronic device which would post on Twitter or Facebook.  Hell, the entire act should be recorded..  Our friends have a right to know.

  • MsRPM

    Google makes these condoms and has them available to employees. You can pick one up any time from the gym, and they come in all the Google colors… of course. The only slogan on them is “I’m feeling lucky!”

  • http://timelord.pip.verisignlabs.com/ Timelord

     The TOS is Simple.
    Warranty only before deployment