Alternate Reality

15 Totally Awesome New Titles for Steve Jobs’ Biography

The iBiography of the century is still a year away, but they’re already mucking around with the iTitle. We’ve got a few magical life changing ideas about what it should be called. An eSarcasm exclusive.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Despite the fact that Steve Jobs’s authorized biography won’t appear until March 2012, the book has already been on Amazon’s best seller list and undergone a title change.

Apparently iSteve: The Book of Jobs just didn’t speak to the book-buying, Apple-adoring public. So Simon & Schuster came up with a new title: Steve Jobs.

Yes, that’s it. Just Steve Jobs. Hardly magical or life changing, innit?

We thought we could do better. Here are our top 15 picks for an alternate iTitle:

  1. My Turtleneck, My Self
  2. Who Moved My iCheese?
  3. You’re Holding It Wrong! Why Steve Jobs Is Always Right (and You’re Not)
  4. The 4 Hour Demi God
  5. Macrobiotic Vegan Soup for the Soul
  6. Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Steve Jobs (But Only What He Feels Like Telling You, Dammit)
  7. One More Thing: The Magical and Revolutionary Life of Lord Jobs
  8. iBuy (That’s a Command, Minion — Seriously, Get Out Your Fucking Credit Card)
  9. Pride and Pomposity
  10. Lord of the i’s
  11. 1984: The Sequel
  12. Sent From My iPod Touch (Just Kidding)
  13. Steven P. Jobs and the Prisoner of Cupertino*
  14. Eat Shit, Steven Levy
  15. Yes, I Am Totally Awesome. Now Get the Fuck Away From Me

*Gray Powell, who lost the iPhone 4 prototype in a San Jose bar and has not been seen since.

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  • obiwan1968

    Love #15

  • I dick

  • i Dick

  • You forgot “Inside Jobs”

  • The True Story of How an Adopted Boy and a College Dropout Revolutionized Technology, Was Cruelly Kicked Out of His Own Company, Revolutionized Technology Again (Even Though the World Didn’t Recognize It), Revolutionized Entertainment, Revolutionized Technology Yet Again, and Became So Magically Awesome That the Usual Limitations on Title Length Do Not Apply To Him – Steve (No Last Name Necessary, and Don’t Forget It, Woz)

  • Isaacson

    Hi. This is Walter Isaacson. Thanks for your help. By the way, I’ve mentioned the “Yes, Steve, I want porn” campaign in the book.

  • Isaacson

    Hi. This is Walter Isaacson. Thanks for your help. By the way, I’ve mentioned the “Yes, Steve, I want porn” campaign in the book.

    • if you’re REALLY Walter Isaacson, you’ll send us an autographed copy of your book. so…. will you?

      • Isaacson

        Yes, I really am me. It’s not out for a while, but if you figure out a way to tell me where to send it, I will send you one.

        • walter: if you send an email to contact (at) esarcasm (dot) com, I’ll send you the coordinates.



        • the book arrived today. autographed and everything. thanks Walter!

          oh, and sorry about the law suit.