Alternate Reality

Fence Post to Seek Republican Nomination for President

A weathered piece of fencing materials says he’s tanned, rusted, and ready lead the GOP to victory in 2012. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 29, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

A lone Iowa fence post has declared his intention to seek the GOP nomination.

“I’m tanned, I’m rusted, I’m ready,” I. M. Post declared to a throng of cheering fans, most of them inanimate.

Described by supporters as “a pillar of his community” and “outstanding in his field,” Post joins a crowded field of Republican contenders vying for the affections of Iowa voters.

Post vowed to hold the line on government spending, pursue a foreign policy built around “containment,” and to erect himself and thousands like him across the US-Mexican to stop the flow of illegal immigrants.

“As for the rest, I’m still on the fence,” he added. “That’s an old Iowa farm joke.”

Post believes he compares favorably with the current Republican front runners.

“Like Newt Gingrich, I’ve done post doctoral work,” he says. “Like Mitt Romney, I’m extremely wooden. And though I may be as dumb as a post, I’m still smarter than Michele Bachmann.”

Though political analysts believe Post’s chances to win the GOP nomination are slim, he’s still likely to get more votes than Ron Paul.

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  • Democrats are seeking reelection of M T Suit.

  • Pamela

    This Post candidate is kind of sexy.  He may pick up the pervert vote.

    • we’re pretty sure Weiner has those votes locked up.

  • Your attempt to get 1,000 angry comments from Ron Paul fans was unsuccessful.

    I suspect that I.M. Post is really a favorite-son candidate, a stalking horse for…well, whoever will win the Kentucky Derby next year.

    • we were really going for angry michelle bachmann fans. at least, the ones who can read. but we’ll take whatever we can get.