Alternate Reality

BREAKING: Apple to Release Just Two Phones This Fall

Maker of miraculous, life-changing devices to release only two iPhones in September, marking a dramatic decrease in shipping volume. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 27, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In a dramatic departure from its normal mass manufacturing process, Apple is planning to release just two phones this fall, eSarcasm has learned.

According to published reports, Apple is shipping only two handsets: An iPhone 4S and an iPhone 5.

Last year, Apple sold more than 14 million iPhones, 13 million iPads, and  900,000 copies of Steve Jobs’ unauthorized autobiography, Yes, I Am Awesome, Now Get the Fuck Away From Me.

No reasons have been given for the abrupt drop off in shipment volume, though sources close to Apple speculate that the suicide rate at the company’s FoxConn manufacturing facility in China may be significantly higher than reported. With only a handful of employees remaining, two was the best they could do, sources say.

Competition for ownership of these two handsets is expected to be extremely intense, with bids reaching into the tens of millions of dollars.

However, eSarcasm has learned that the eventual buyer must agree to loan them to John Gruber (aka, the iPhone Whisperer) for a few hours first. Due to a longstanding agreement with Apple, the Daring Fireball blogger he has to lovingly stroke every piece of Apple hardware before it goes out the door.

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  • Well, Apple has been historically reluctant to pursue market share. If Apple could sell one iPhone per year for a bazillion jillion dollars, they’d be just fine with it. The only problem with this strategy is that Bill Gates certainly isn’t going to buy it, Warren Buffett is a friend of Bill Gates’, and Carlos Slim already has too much stuff.