Alternate Reality

Steve Jobs Reveals He Is an Alien, Plots Return to Home Planet

You know that massive new headquarters Apple wants to build that looks just like a spaceship? It really is a spaceship. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 9, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The new spaceship-shaped “headquarters” being planned by Apple actually is a spaceship, eSarcasm has learned.

The donut-shaped vessel, four stories tall and capable of carrying 12,000 passengers, is being built to return Jobs and and his Apple acolytes back to his native planet of ickiickiickiickipatang – Planet ‘i’ for short – by 2015.

Many have commented on the extraordinary things that happen around Jobs. Last year, for example, the Apple CEO was attacked by an enormous red arrow on the streets of San Francisco. But until now, few suspected him to be of extraterrestrial origin.

Now an anonymous source known only as “Mulder” has stepped forward to reveal the truth.

Jobs, whose real name and birth parents remain shrouded in mystery, arrived on earth when his tiny spaceship crash landed outside Los Altos, California, in 1957. Then just a toddler wrapped in black swaddling, Jobs was found by Paul and Clara Jobs, who named him “Steve” and tried to raise him like a normal boy.

Clara later knitted the swaddling clothes – made from an unearthly material designed to shield the child from the Sun’s harmful gamma rays –  into the black turtleneck “Steve” has worn ever since.

Over the last few years that shield has begun to fail, sapping the life forces from Jobs and causing him to appear pale and gaunt. The return to Planet ‘i’ is an attempt to rejuvenate Jobs before he whithers away completely, sources say.

Sources also revealed the iPhone was invented as a way for Jobs to phone home, though a single call required such bandwidth that it caused calls all over the country to suddenly drop. The iPad, he said, is in fact a mind-control device designed to bend weak-minded humans to Jobs’ will, laying the groundwork for an imminent invasion.

“Think about it,” said Mulder. “The otherworldly technology, the Apple cult of secrecy, that damned turtleneck – suddenly it all makes sense.” 

Requests for comment from an Apple spokesalien were not returned.

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