Alternate Reality

Dicks With Pix: Famous Weiners Through the Ages

Rep. Anthony Weiner is not the first famous figure to expose the angle of his dangle. Notables from Julius Caesar to Abraham Lincoln were known to flaunt their privates in public. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 7, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Seen any good dick pix lately? Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) may now be famous for distributing images of his Congressional Member across Twitter, but he’s hardly the only one.

For centuries, sharing images of one’s penis has been used as a way to break the ice, make friends, impress enemies, and secure a lasting place in the history of human endeavor.

Don’t believe us? Here are but a few famous examples:

The Trojan Horse

Talk about your large packages. This Greek Gift was, not surprisingly, hung like a horse. But it also came with a surprise inside – 30 soldiers who opened the city gates to the armies of Greece. After that fateful day, the Trojans vowed to never go without protection again.

The Colossus of Rhodes

The majestic 300 BCE statue that stood astride the entry to the harbor of Rhodes wasn’t called ‘colossal’ for nothing. It sent a clear message to the city’s enemies: Ours is bigger. Female travelers sailing directly under the statue’s mansack were forbidden from gazing upwards, lest they become disoriented and fall overboard.

Julius Caesar

The first emperor of Rome invented a new way to induce childbirth, a salad dressing, and toga parties. One thing he did not invent: Underwear. The Terror of Gaul enraged the Roman Senate by sitting in the proconsul’s chair and slowly crossing and uncrossing his legs like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Eventually, Brutus and the other senators decided they’d had enough. 

Michaelangelo’s David

This full-frontal nude scandalized the men of Florence while vaguely disappointing the women. Shortly after the statue’s unveiling, the acronym BTD (Bigger Than David) began circulating on Florentine dating forums. David later explained he’d been swimming in the icy Adriatic shortly before posing, and assured everyone the fleshy original was more impressive than his marble member.

Henry the Eighth

The scion of the Tudor dynasty is known for weddings, beheadings, and kicking the Catholic Church to the curb. In 1533, Hank the Crank send a woodblock carving of the Royal Appendage to Pope Clement VII with the inscription: Felicitatus Hoc Penii Decorum. That translates roughly to “Suck on this, nancyboy.”

Abraham Lincoln

Though his randier side has been obscured by history, Honest Abe was known for wandering through the White House wearing nothing but a stovepipe hat — and not where you’d normally put one. When asked how long a man’s legs should be, Abe famously replied, “Just long enough to reach the ground – or only slightly longer than my dick.”

Image of Anthony Weiner’s package: Everywhere.

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