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EXCLUSIVE: 12 Secret Facts About Microsoft’s Windows 8

Think you’ve seen Windows 8? Think again. Only eSarcasm has the inside scoop on the most exciting new features in Microsoft’s latest platform.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Microsoft Windows 8Screw Mac OS X Lion. Dry hump Android Ice Cream Sandwich. The real operating system of the future is finally almost here.

We’re talking, of course, about Microsoft’s Windows 8. What’s that? You aren’t excited about Windows 8? You forgot Microsoft was still around? Well, that’s just because you haven’t seen what this new Windows can do.

Microsoft previewed Windows 8 for the first time this week. The next-gen software is built to run on smartphones, tablets, and — of course — PCs. It’s one operating system to ruin rule them all. And you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

eSarcasm has exclusively uncovered 12 top-secret features and facts about the new Windows 8. This stuff is supposed to stay under wraps for months to come, but because we’re shameless traffic whores responsible technology journalists, we’re bringing it to you now.

So grab a churro and get ready: It’s time for a taste of the future.

Windows 8 Features1. Windows 8 is designed for touch. Most notably, you can punch your screen when
    Windows locks up and the system will automatically reboot.

2. Windows 8 loads 10 times faster than previous versions of the operating system.
    In other words, you’ll only have to wait 12 minutes for your PC to start.

3. Windows 8 features a choice of customizable tile color schemes designed
    specifically for Microsoft’s primary user base: Bland, Extremely Bland, Beige on
    Beige, and Ultra Caucasian.

4. Triple clicking on any tile brings up a video of Steve Ballmer doing his famous Developers! Developers! Developers!
    monkey dance. Auto-perspiration technology draws moisture from the ambient air, causing the screen to literally sweat.

5. Quadruple clicking on tiles brings up… no, even we can’t go there. It’s too horrible to contemplate.

6. Windows 8 is all about choice. Whether you select Windows 8 Home Premium, Windows 8 Professional Ultimate, or
    Windows 8 Ultimate Premium Supercool Wowzers, you’ll find features that don’t quite work for your lifestyle and
    computing needs.Windows 8 Girl

7. Microsoft will also offer a special limited-edition version of the software: Windows 8 For Morons
    Impressed By Pretty Colors.

8. Microsoft has made great strides in simplifying the Windows 8 user experience. The revamped Control
    Panel has 467 convenient menus, each with 86 submenus and 7,000 corresponding drivers.

9. New Freeze Frame Mode allows PCs to appear as if they’re completely locked up and need a reboot. To turn Freeze
    Frame off, just reboot your PC.
Microsoft Windows 8 Assistant
10. Need help? Fear not: Windows 8 includes a new virtual assistant. No, not Clippy,
      silly — come on now — this is the new Windows. Everything is improved. ——>

11. Microsoft’s new motto: We need a tablet to save us from our tablets. Catchy, no?

12. Most important of all, Windows 8 features Microsoft’s proudest new innovation:
      the Multicolor-Tile Screen of Death.

(This story sponsored in part by Anine Bing and the Counsel to Remind People That “Bing” Also Means Great Bazongas.)

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