Alternate Reality

National Pork Board Accuses Angry Birds of ‘Pigism’

The pork trade council is suing Angry Birds maker Rovio for encouraging anti-porcine violence; it seeks monetary damages and anger management classes. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

June 3, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The birds may be angry, but the pigs are mad as hell too — and they’re not going to take it any more.

The National Pork Board is planning to file suit against Angry Birds maker Rovio, eSarcasm has learned.

In the game, the birds — angered by the theft of their eggs by hungry pigs — exact revenge by hurling themselves at flimsy barricades erected by the pigs, destroying themselves and the porkers in the process.

The council is accusing ‘Birds’ of violating the 1985 Pork Act* as well as the 1965 Civil Rights Act as it pertains to barnyard animals. It plans to seek damages for pain and suffering, compensation for unreimbursed construction costs, and a commitment to anger management counseling for the suicidal avians.

"We would not characterize our clients’ activity as ‘theft,’" said a Board spokesbovine. "For centuries, chickens and pigs have enjoyed an informal agreement wherein pigs would enjoy a certain number of eggs each day, and in return the chickens would be allowed to consume bacon. We do not understand this sudden animosity after so many years of peaceful cooperation."

When reached for comment, a Rovio spokesbird responded by splitting itself into three and attacking the eSarcasm offices. At press time, the building was still standing.

The Pork Board has a history of fiercely protecting its interests. Last May, the Board threatened legal action against novelties retailer ThinkGeek after it attempted to sell Canned Unicorn products as "the other, other white meat."**

In 1997, the Board obtained a restraining order against the Big Bad Wolf, enjoining him from approaching within 500 yards of any pig-erected structure.

"This blatant pigism shall not stand,” said the Board spokesbovine. “You can’t just abuse animals like this. This is not a Disney film.”

* An actual law.

** This is also real.

Angry Birds images courtesy of Rovio.






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Comments

  • Pamela

    I think the National Pork Board needs anger management.