Alternate Reality

Top 10 Things You Didn’t Know About the Fox News iPad App

Yes, our friends at Fox News have their own iPad app. And what a mighty beacon of Truth, Justice, and Wingnuttiness it is. Here are 10 features Rupert Murdoch won’t tell you about.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

We read it on Mashable so it has to be true: Fox News is launching its very own custom iPad app. And, like The Daily, that Rupert Murdoch/Steve Jobs mashup of digital news, it’s got its own little quirks.

Here are 10 things you probably didn’t know.

10. It only responds to right clicks.

9. When reporting on Republican sex and/or drug scandals, the app automatically changes all party affiliations to "Democrat."

8. News Corp is offering 50 percent off the purchase price for complete douchebags (aka, the "employee discount").

7. The first 1000 people to download the app will receive a free nude photo of Greta Van Susteren. The next 1000 people will receive two photos.

6. It’s so simple even Gretchen Carlson understands how to use it. (OK, she had a little help from Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade. Also, they tattooed the instructions on the inside of her thigh… with pictures.)

5. Using the app will prevent unwanted pregnancies. Hey, it must work; it’s been out nearly a day and Bristol Palin hasn’t gotten knocked up again yet.

4. It uses "anonymous" location data to provide personal terror alerts anytime you get within 20 feet of a liberal (or black person*).

3. Sarah Palin has personally endorsed this app — but only if she’s not running for president. Which of course she is. Unless she isn’t. But in any case, doesn’t she look hot with a thick, powerful and 100 percent American hog between her legs? (No, we don’t mean Todd.)

2. It has a highly advanced voice recognition system: The louder you yell, the more Bill O’Reilly stories you get on-screen.

1. The app even includes a few games for kids: Spot the Terrorist Muslim, Sarah Says, and Pin the Dyke on the Maddow.

* With the exception of Michael Steele.

Screenshot: Mashable, by way of the iTunes Store.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter