Alternate Reality

Making Ashtons of Themselves: More Celebrity Twitter Apps

Now that Ashton Kutcher has his own Twitter client, you know everyone else is going to want one too. Brace yourself for celebrity Twitter apps from Arnold Schwarzenner, Charlie Sheen, Steve Jobs, and more.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, the rumors are true. Ashton Kutcher has his own Twitter client. And yet the world has still not ended. Strange, we know.

Earlier this week UberMedia rolled out “,” a celebrity-infused cross between Tweetdeck, Twirl, and every other desktop Twitter client you’ve ever seen. What’s different about this one: It’s all Ashton, all the time. And when you tire of @aplusk’s inane natterings words of gentle wisdom, you can tune into @MrsKutcher (aka Demi Moore), who at least has the good taste to be wearing skimpy lingerie in her profile wallpaper.

You know what’s going to happen next, don’t you? Everyone and their dog will coming out with their own Twitter clients. It’s gonna get ugly. And it will probably look a bit like this:

Arianna Huffington: HuffTweet. This Twitter client doesn’t let you generate original tweets; instead it looks for interesting things other people have tweeted and puts your name on them.

Harold Camping: Tweetpocalypse. With every tweet you read, get a friendly reminder of when the world is going to end. Always up-to-date with the latest meaningless prediction!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: The Tweetenator. Adds famous Arnoldisms to the end of your tweets, such as “Hasta la vista, baby,” “I’ll be back,” and “Could you dust that spot over there in the corner? A little further down. That’s it. Now hold still.”

Steve Jobs: iTweet. The most beautifully designed Twitter client you’ve ever seen. And it’s 100 percent safe: Each tweet is personally approved by his Steveness before being released into the wild. Rated 5 Mock Turtlenecks by Apple Fanboys. Now available in white!

Oprah Winfrey: TweetO! A running update of what Oprah ate for breakfast. And lunch. And for her afternoon tea. And dinner. And for her post-dinner treat; her midnight snack; and her 3AM Ambien sleepwalk buffet.

Glenn Beck: DICKTweet. Automatically converts your outgoing tweets into ALL CAPS to enhance their persuasiveness. Also filters out incoming messages from anyone who isn’t a conservative white Christian nutmonkey; after all, there is only one source for the truth, and that is Fox News a network to be named later.

Lady Gaga: Tweet Tweet Ga Ga. We’re not exactly sure what this does, but it’s very “edgy.”

Larry Page: GTweet. More features than you could possibly imagine (or figure out how to use!). And don’t worry: It collects all of your personal info, but it will only be used to help Google achieve total world domination.

Charlie Sheen: Duh, T’winning! Updates your desktop with a continuous stream of blatant self-promotion and crazyass Sheenisms. Warning: Not safe for work, minors, or anyone with less than 32 percent Tiger Blood.

Michael Arrington: A.hole. Using Arrington’s patented AutoRumor and AlwaysRight technologies, this app translates your tweets into arrogant, self-serving, and entirely bogus statements on the fly. If you don’t use this app, it’s only because you don’t like the fact that it is, simply, a lot better than every other app ever made.

Paris Hilton: Twatter. Attaches a new Twitpic photo of Paris’s naughty bits to each Tweet; perfect for the 17 people who haven’t seen her hootchie yet.

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