Alternate Reality

Apple: Mac Malware Isn’t a Problem — It’s a Feature

Apple’s Mac malware vulnerability is a “beautiful” part of the product, Jobs claims, and anyone who has a problem is clearly just using their computer wrong. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@jr_raphael)

May 24, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Mac MalwareApple will no longer deny the existence of Mac-based malware, eSarcasm has learned, instead claiming it as a “beautiful” feature of its desktop OS.

A fake security program called Mac Defender has been targeting Mac users for several weeks now. According to ZDNet’s Ed Bott, Apple has thus far been instructing support reps to avoid acknowledging the issue or offering any kind of help to customers who are affected.

Apple Malware DocumentsInternal documents obtained by eSarcasm suggest that strategy will shift within a matter of days. The company is launching an initiative pegged as “Project Mal-What?” that will acknowledge the presence of malware on Macs but reframe it as a positive attribute.

“Is this a ridiculous approach to take? Of course. But we’re Apple, and we can tell people any fucking thing we want,” one insider explains, pointing to the company’s handling of the iPhone 4 Antennagate fiasco.

The Antennagate fiasco, in fact, will serve as a model for Apple’s malware response. The company is expected to hold a
press conference special event at which CEO Steve Jobs will first spend 25 minutes talking about how other computers have malware, too.

Jobs will then explain that the main reason Apple users are now having problems is that they’re “using their Macs wrong.” (He has reportedly already emailed at least one Mac user advising him to “just avoid using it in that way.”)

Finally, Jobs will explain that Apple went to a lot of trouble to build “beautiful vulnerabilities” into its Mac OS. And even though the malware isn’t actually a problem, he’ll offer “really wonderful” blindfolds to any Mac user who’s too dumb to use the product correctly.

Apple Blindfold

Sources suggest the new Apple blindfolds will also be sent to members of the press in order to help them avoid seeing “unmagical products by unworthy competitors.”






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Comments

  • dar

    wickd, prof JRR
    Thx

  • Pamela

    Black is white, and white is black.  The support reps at Apple are being groomed for leadership in this great country of ours.  This is just another public service brought to us by the CIA.

  • Pamela

    Black is white, and white is black.  The support reps are in training to eventually assume important positions in government.  We need strong leaders and this is how they are made. 

  • Etherbert Gorgon

    Jobs to slaves: “Stop clicking through the malware install, morons”