Alternate Reality

God Apologizes for Missing the Rapture, Blames Microsoft Outlook

Everlasting Father says a software glitch caused Him to miss Judgment Day, leaving thousands stuck here on Earth. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 23, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

The Almighty Creator has apologized for missing judgment day on Saturday, stranding thousands of true believers as they waited to ascend to their heavenly reward. The Maker of All Things blamed a bug in Microsoft Outlook for the mistake.

“I had that Rapture on my calendar for like 7,000 years,” He says. “Then last week Outlook crashed while I was syncing and I lost nearly everything. Fucking Microsoft!”

On May 21, the Supreme Being says He already had three Creations, 1,874 ritual sacrifices, the annihilation of an entire galaxy and 34,178 bar mitzvahs to attend to. There was no longer any time left for Rapture management.

“By the time I realized the Rapture wasn’t on there, it was too late,” He said. “You can’t just throw one of these things together at the last minute. The paperwork is intense.”

The One and True God says he won’t be able to squeeze in another Rapture until September 23, 2019, but He’s willing to keep the date open if enough souls are able to reschedule.

“The good news is that gives Earthlings eight more years to atone for their sins, accept my son as their personal savior, and nail Natalie Portman,” He added.

Gary Larson comic lovingly borrowed from Wisdom Quarterly.

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  • Kymni

    Wouldn’t go there if I were you…the Almighty will smit thy *ss

  • Pamela

    It sounds as if God has his hands full.  Why aren’t some of you computer geeks up there helping him with his Microsoft problem?   You are allowed in heaven, aren’t you?