Rants In Our Pants

EXCLUSIVE: Top 10 Signs the Apocalypse Is Upon Us

The center cannot hold, mere anarchy has been loosed, and rude beasts slouch toward Bethlehem. It’s either Judgment Day or a Motley Crue concert. Here are ten signs that Armageddon is nigh.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 20, 2011

Yes, the end of the world is upon is. On Saturday May 21 God is having a massive clearance sale, and everything must go.  

If this year’s spate of killer earthquakes, deadly tsunamis, and Donald Trump’s hair were not enough to convince you that Harold Camping is right and doomsday is here, consider these ten signs: 

10. The Centers for Disease Control just published a paper on how to prepare for a Zombie Apocalypse. You think we’re joking, don’t you? We’re not.

9. Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron challenged physicist Stephen Hawking to a theological debate. Next, Paris Hilton will take on Paul Krugman in a discussion of Keynesian economics.

8. People are actually excited about LinkedIn.

7. Botox Mom. First she says she injected her 8-year-old beauty queen daughter with Botox; now she claims she took $200 from a British tabloid to lie about it. When the hellfire rains down we’re hope she’s wearing Eau de Napalm.

6. It’s been weeks since Apple announced anything magical, miraculous, or life changing. Steve Jobs must be saving all his energy for the iRapture.

5. Scientists discover Jupiter-sized "rogue planets" rolling around the Milky Way like bowling balls in the back of a pickup. You just know one of them is really the Death Star.

4. A couple in Israel named their child "Like." Defriending them wasn’t enough; God had to get medieval on all our asses.

3. The Terminator gets nailed for knocking up a housekeeper who looks like Yogi Berra. Jesus God, man, even Tiger Woods managed to keep his hands off the help. Were there no Hooter’s restaurants near the governor’s mansion?

2. Mel Gibson stars in a film called “The Beaver” and it has nothing to do with porn. That’s $9 we’ll never see again.

1. CBS chose Ashton Kutcher over Hugh Grant to replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men." If that’s not the mark of the beast, we don’t know what is.

See you on the other side. Maybe.

[See also: Our Bucket List: 28 Things We Plan to Do Before The World Ends. ]






Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter

Comments

  • Friggin Loon

    Blahahahaaha that is hilarious. Hope God has a sense of humor or you’re screwed :)