Alternate Reality

Our Bucket List: 28 Things We Plan to Do Before the World Ends

On May 21, aka Judgment Day, the world will be over. So we’re making a bucket list and checking it twice. Here’s what we hope to accomplish before we are damned for all eternity.

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

As we all know, the world is scheduled to end on Saturday, May 21. On that day Christ begins his comeback tour; the heavens will open, the saved will ascend gracefully toward paradise, and the sky will rain down hellfire on the rest of us.

Though we’ve packed overnight bags, just in case through some bureaucratic mixup we are included among the saved, we’ve also been getting our affairs in order. Number one on our list: Creating a bucket list of all the things we hope to get done in the next few days, God willing, before our time is nigh.

We’re going to be pretty busy, so if we don’t pick up the phone or return your emails, you’ll know why.

The eSarcasm Bucket List (2011 edition)

1. Try to get our $12 back from GoDaddy on that renewal of eSarcasm.com.

2. Punch Donald Trump in the testicles. By God someone needs to.

3. Go to McDonalds one last time and supersize the shit out of everything.

4. Ask Megan Fox if she’d have sex with us for $10 million and also whether she’d be willing to accept a check.

5. Find the obnoxious couple who named their child "Like." Pay Gilbert Gottfried to go to their house, ring their doorbell, and scream "DISLIKE!"

6. Become the CEOs of Aol. Just kidding; that company sucks ass.

7. Make a bunch of asinine predictions about high-tech companies acquiring each other, knowing no one will be around to find out if they actually come true. (Oh sorry, we were confusing ourselves with TechCrunch. Never mind.)

8. Turn that TwatFactory.com domain we registered 9 years ago into a profitable yet tasteful porn portal.

9. Finally get up the nerve to watch "2 Girls 1 Cup."

10. Nail Natalie Portman.

11. Nail that chick on Adult Friend Finder who kind of looks like Natalie Portman if you squint. Tell her to dress like Padme.

12. Buy a Windows Phone, a RIM PlayBook, and a giant sledgehammer. Then re-enact our favorite scenes from Thor.

13. Release those nude photos of Steve Jobs we’ve been hanging onto for a rainy day.

14. Rewatch that episode of “Happy Days” where Joanie marries Chachi. (Scott Baio: our generation’s John Geilgud.)

15. Dance on Float over Osama bin Laden’s grave.

16. Reveal to the world our secret crime-fighting-superhero identities.*

17. Convince Justin Bieber to come out of the closet and admit he’s really Hillary Swank.

18. Stop not sniffing glue.

19. Overcome our grave misgivings and accept Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook friend request. That turd has been after us for months.

20. Get to know Bing inside and out. No, not that Bing, silly — this one.

21. Kill Clippy. We’re talking actual manslaughter — err, clipslaughter — here. We should have done it a long time ago.

22. Try out the "Internet Kissing Machine," but not with our tongues, if you know what we mean. (And not together – not that there’s anything wrong with that….)

23. Sleep with a Craigslist Ho. Because where else can you get that kind of gritty life experience for only $37?

24. Tell Charlie Sheen to leave Sober Valley Ranch and spend his final days working here. We’re telling you, he’d be perfect.

25. Find out what Apple was going to announce at its 2011 WWDC. Wait – never mind. We can just pretend we knew, like every other goddamn analyst and blogger in the world.

26. Make it past level 27 on Angry Birds. (God we hate those fucking pigs.)

27. Buy a few iPads. Hey, those things are magical and miraculous, right? Surely they can prevent our impending doom.

28. Fall to our knees and thank the Lord that starting on May 22 we will never have to read another thing about Ashton Kutcher.

* SnarkMan and SarcastaBoy. Hey, we didn’t say we were cool superheroes.

World’s end billboard: Solaria Sun.






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Comments

  • Rev. Daniel Blair

     I am very sad for those who have been following this
    lie that the rapture will occur on May 21st. Even if they attempt to
    explain away “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in
    heaven nor the Son, but only the Father” (Mark 13:32), they cannot explain away
    that most every Christian, theologian, scholar, and prophet from the first
    Century until the Nineteenth Century all believed that the church would go
    through the Great Tribulation and not escape through some secret rapture that
    would leave the world paralyzed. I pray that they will take a moment and read
    my book, “Final Warning” because the hour of is His judgment has come. http://www.revelation-truth.org

    • Patrick S.

       to put it frankly ive never believed in the lies spouted by the may 21st people and i dont buy 2012 either. needless to say i believe after we are gone the earth will still be here and the animals and plants will grow freely again and nature will start again with another species.

  • http://twitter.com/jfialkovich J.Fialkovich

     There’s too many “the world is ending” scenarios too follow, glad someone else is having fun with it.  Great list, still in disbelief someone named their kid “Like,” how do you explain that to your fourth grade teacher?

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      it’s just another sign of the coming apocalypse.