Alternate Reality

BREAKING: Top 10 Reasons Why Microsoft Bought Skype

Microsoft just bought Skype for a cool $8.5 billion. What would Redmond want with eBay’s neglected video/chat stepchild? We have a few ideas.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 10, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, it’s true: The world’s largest maker of annoying operating systems just gobbled up the world’s largest video phone sex voice/chat service.

Microsoft’s $8.5 billion purchase of Skype had a lot of people scratching their heads and saying ‘huh’? Not us. We know exactly why they bought it. Or, if not, we were able to come up with ten completely ridiculous reasons.

10. Ballmer was planning to buy $8.5 billion worth of Pez dispensers but decided, what the fuck, we’ll take Skype instead.

9. Microsoft wanted to offer a Steve Ballmer "Developers! Developers! Developers!" ringtone, but none of the mobile carriers would let them.

8. Microsoft finally figured out a system for keeping inexplicable data outages down to 8 days or less and wanted to try it out on something.

7. Because nobody can watch that "use a Windows Phone and you’ll get more sex" commercial with a straight face. At least Skype users actually get some.

6.  Using Skype will allow Ballmer to hold more meetings from the "throne" room (if you know what we mean). Hopefully this will keep Microsoft executives from filing any more "olfactory harassment" claims.

5. It’s been ages since Microsoft bought a product that worked fine for millions of users and totally ran it into the ground. It’ll be like the 1990’s all over again.

4. Microsoft has warehouses full of Kin phones and needs to do something with them. They’d make dandy Skype handsets.

3. They want to introduce a randomized video conferencing service for Microsoft fanboys. Welcome to GatesRoulette.

2. eBay threatened to release video of Bill Gates playing "Tickle My Churro" with the Seattle Boys Choir unless Microsoft ponied up serious cash.

1. Because "it’s time for a phone to save us from our phones," and Windows Phone 7 sure as fuck isn’t it.

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