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10 Fatal Flaws With the Internet Kissing Machine

It sounds like a lonely geek’s dream, but the newly unveiled Internet make-out machine isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. An eSarcasm exclusive investigation.

By (@JRRaphael)

May 6, 2011

Internet French Kissing MachineForget cybersex. Screw sexting. The future of virtual humping may lie in a little white gadget we like to call the eTongue Machine.

Oh yes: This thing’s for real. A tech lab in Tokyo has invented an apparatus that lets you simulate French kissing over the Web. It’s a square white box connected to a plastic straw. All’s you’ve got to do is stick that straw, aka the “joystick,” into your lips — and let the passion begin.

As the gadget’s creators explain it:

This device is for communications within the mouth. In other words, the goal is to obtain the feeling of kissing. If you take one device in your mouth and turn it with your tongue, the other device turns in the same way. If you turn it back the other way, then your partner’s turns back the same way, so your partner’s device turns whichever way your own device turns.

Sexy, eh? We’re certainly fully aroused. But it turns out the Internet kissing machine is far from perfect. In fact, through extensive testing at our eSarcasm Lab o’ Sexual Science (also known as the basement), we’ve found 10 fatal flaws with the tongue-twisting technology.

We hate to burst the young inventors’ bubble, but as connoisseurs of intimate relations, we feel it’s our duty to point out these problems.
Internet Kissing Machine
1. The strategy is inherently flawed: The kind of person who would use an Internet kissing machine is the kind of person you wouldn’t want to make out with.

2. Buyers are going to be very disappointed when they find out what “putting your joystick in someone else’s mouth” actually means.

3. The plastic straw is supposed to “waggle” as you kiss it, but as soon as things get hot and heavy, it always turns stiff.

4. It’s great for guy-on-guy action, if that’s your bag — but looking for ladies willing to get busy with a white plastic straw? Yeah…good luck with that.
Computer Crime Scene
5. Serious surface contamination: Dudes keep trying to put, erm, other things on the kissing area.

6. Some sensations just shouldn’t be experienced alone. You know, like blue balls.

7. Seriously, if you want to rotate your tongue on a moist box, we can think of better ways to do it.

8. Every time we test the machine, the person on the other end claims to be a busty 19-year-old blonde. Somehow, though, we suspect they look more like this.

9. If you’re gonna have an Internet make-out machine, for Christ’s sake, it needs an HJ attachment.

10. Mom?! Is that you?!?!

(Geek cartoon image courtesy squidoo.com)

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