Alternate Reality

Bin Laden Finds Afterlife Less Pleasant Than Anticipated

Speaking from beyond the grave, the former al Qaeda leader expressed disappointment with his martyr’s paradise. Also: It’s a lot hotter than he expected.

By (@tynanwrites)

May 5, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In an extraordinary turn of events, eSarcasm has received a message from Osama bin Laden, communicating from the great beyond.

Speaking through a psychic interpreter, the world’s most reviled terrorist said he contacted eSarcasm because al Jazeera had stopped returning his calls.

The involuntarily retired leader of al Qaeda expressed surprise and dismay at the martyr’s paradise he had received.

“This is definitely not what they showed in the brochures,” he says. “Where are the gardens of tranquility with youths of never-ending bloom carrying beakers of sparkling wine? Where are the boundlessly overflowing plates of fruit and bird meats? And why is it so friggin hot? Has nobody here heard of air conditioning?”

Bin Laden likened the afterlife to being stuck in an airport security line that never moves. And though one part of the promised martyr’s reward was fulfilled – his allotment of 72 dark-eyed virgins – he says even that wasn’t exactly as advertised.

“I’ve seen more appealing faces on a camel,” he says. “Now I know why they’re still virgins.” 

Bin Laden admitted that after successfully eluding capture for 10 years he thought the Americans had stopped looking. He also expressed regret that he’ll never find out if Kirstie Alley makes to the finals of “Dancing With the Stars.”

When informed he had been tracked to his secret lair via his couriers, he just sighed. 

“That’s it. When I come back for my next life, I’m sticking with FedEx.”

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