Rants In Our Pants

Yes, It’s True, We Are Depraved Sex Fiends

No joke: Google has classified eSarcasm as ‘adult content’ and is threatening to pull all of our AdSense ads. We cannot begin to tell you how sorry we are about that.

By (@eSarcasm)

April 11, 2011

It has come to our attention we are warping the minds of America’s youth, shredding the fabric of family values that holds this nation together and causing a disturbance in the force. Thank God Google is around to lead us back to the path of righteousness.

Yesterday we received the following email from the kind people at Google AdSense:

During a recent review of your account we found that you are currently displaying Google ads in a manner that is not compliant with our program policies…


ADULT/PORNOGRAPHY: As stated in our program policies, AdSense publishers are not permitted to place Google ads on pages with pornographic content. This includes photos or videos which contain full nudity or sexual activities.

As an example, the AdSensors noted a story we posted last December, “iTunes Psychology: Your Playlist, Your Self,” which featured an image of a fit and presumably unclothed young woman pleasuring herself via the gift of music. We say presumably, because her arms and thighs were covering all the juicy bits and it’s possible she had strategically-placed electrical tape or possibly some small woodland creatures under there.

No matter. To AdSense, nudity is nudity (even when it isn’t) and porn is porn, even if you do see more T&A on an average episode of “Jersey Shore” than you do on all of eSarcasm.

But it’s not just porn that can get you booted from AdSense. According to the Google AdSense moral guidelines, the following content also qualifies you for dismissal:

  • Lewd or provocative images
  • Crude or indecent language, including adult stories
  • Sexual tips or advice
  • Sexual fetish sites (e.g. foot fetish content)
  • Adult toys or products
  • Ads or links to external sites containing adult content

Well intercourse us with a jack hammer. It seems we finally hit the lottery. Lewd or provocative images? Check. Crude, indecent, adult language? Check. Sex tips, fetishes, adult toys or products? Yes, yes, and Hell Yes. We’ve probably even linked to the occasional naughty site (when you write about hotties, it’s hard not to) though we always try to avoid the really nasty ones.

One might be tempted here to note the many other NSFW sites that far exceed our boundaries for acceptable content yet still carry Google AdSense ads — including some owned by Google. Or suggest that perhaps this AdSense ban might have something to do with the many times we’ve poked fun at Google for the Nexus One, Google Buzz, China, or creepy Uncle Eric, to name but a few. But we’re not going there.

We now have 72 hours to “make all necessary changes.” Which is to say, delete our Web site and start over. Unfortunately, we are unable to do that. But here’s what we will do. Effectively immediately:

* We will no longer publish photos like the one at the right, lest they drive some pockmarked adolescent into paroxysms of lust and self abuse.

* We will no longer use the word “fuck” in any stories. (Except for that last fucking sentence.) Also now on the forbidden words list: asswipe, tittylick, thighmaster, ballhandler and bunhugger.

* No more nude photos of Robert Scoble. Actually, Google has not complained about this, but just about everybody else did.

* Each story will now carry the following disclaimer:

WARNING: Reading eSarcasm may be hazardous to your health. Side effects may include blindness, hysteria, hairy palms, blisters, loss of vital bodily fluids, sleepiness, sleeplessness, psychic angst, nausea, overdeveloped chuckle muscles, and excessive dependence on petroleum jelly products.

eSarcasm would like to apologize for turning its readers into meat-tenderizing Onanistic fiends incapable of profound human connection or getting a date on Friday nights even, like, just for coffee. We are deeply sorry, and it will never happen again.

We hope these measures will be sufficient to return us to the good graces of Google. We desperately need the $37.84 AdSense brings in every month. JR is only halfway through his/her hormone treatments (it’s not pretty), while DT owes his dealer* a lot of money and has grown quite fond of his thumbs.

* Car dealer. What did you think we meant?

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