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Penises vs. Breasts: There’s a Map for That

Which country has the spongiest funbags and meatiest mantoys? It’s no longer a mystery, thanks to the miracle of modern mapping.

By (@tynanwrites)

April 4, 2011

Ever wonder where you can find the most engorged members or bodacious ta-ta’s? Well wonder no more. Thanks to the industrious users of Target Map, we know have answers to that eternal question: Which countries feature the biggest tits and meatiest dicks?

Let’s start with the men.

(Can’t read the numbers? Just click on it to make it larger. Don’t you wish that happened in real life?)

First, kudos to the map makers for expressing everything in centimeters. There’s nothing like the illusion of double digits to make a man walk just a little taller. (But we’re converting these figures to inches because we’re Americans, dammit.)

Seeking a land where men loom large? Consider the Congo (7.1 inches on average), Ecuador (6.9 inches), or Ghana (6.8).* Heck, what’s a little dengue fever or cannibalism between close friends?

Looking for just a little sex? Cast your eyes downward and to the east, specifically India (4.0 inches) and China (4.2). Suddenly we don’t feel so bad about them taking most of our jobs.

The United States falls along the more size-challenged side of the scale with an average length of just 5.1 inches. But we make up for it by filling our roads with large gas-guzzling vehicles.

This list of sources for this data is, well, sizable, and ranges from "Mutation of HOXA13 in hand-foot-genital syndrome" (Nature Genetics, Issue 15) to The Happy Hook-Up: A Single Girl’s Guide to Casual Sex (Ten Speed Press).

Keep in mind, though, that the same people who created this map also think Alaska is bigger than Brazil (it’s actually six times smaller). We’re just sayin’.

So what about breasts? So glad you asked. Click the following map (or just stroke it gently in a clockwise direction) to make it more visible.

Here, let Mother Russia open up her big arms and smother you in her Double-Ds. Consider it a consolation prize for losing the cold war.

Don’t know about you, but we are anxiously anticipating the opening of the new Moscow Hooters.

The US fares much better in this map, registering a solid D Cup average – along with Venezuela, Columbia, Iceland, and Germany. Most of Asia and Africa? Itty-bitty-titty city.

There is no source given for this data. In fact, we’re pretty sure they’re just making the whole thing up. But we’d be happy to contribute our own painstaking research to any future updates.

* No, moving there won’t make your dick bigger. Nimrod.

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