Alternate Reality

BREAKING: eSarcasm Site Hacked by Anonymous

On Thursday night eSarcasm’s servers were attacked and compromised by the infamous Internet vigilantes, but we lived to snark on. An exclusive report.

By (@eSarcasm)

March 31, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

We feared this would happen one day. eSarcasm has become the latest victim of a brutal DDOS attack by members of notorious Web vigilante group, Anonymous.

From late Thursday evening to early Friday morning, was inaccessible, forcing countless fans of hopelessly juvenile humor to seek other sources of amusement. Company email servers were compromised, and thousands of confidential business messages, many of them non-pornographic, were made available via Pirate Bay and other bit torrent sites.

In addition, the home page was defaced and replaced with the following statement (click to enlarge):

The letter read in part:

Remember what happened to those HBGary assclowns? That’s a steak and a blowjob compared to what we’re going to do to you. WE control the InterWebs. WE decide what constitutes LULZ. WE can write in all caps ANY FUCKING TIME WE FEEL LIKE IT. And that’s not all.

The Japanese Tsunami. Bristol Palin. Derek Jeter’s declining performance at the plate with runners in scoring position. We are responsible for all of it. Remember: We invented Rebecca Black, and we can take her away any time we want to. The same goes for you.

Sources at eSarcasm were uncertain how they had managed to piss Anonymous off.

“We always knew somebody would try and take us out, but we always figured it would be Arrington, or Zuckerberg, or possibly Justin Bieber,” says co-founder and professional human shield Dan Tynan. “But Anonymous? We kind of thought of them as our geekier brothers in arms. We’re not like those dickwads at Gawker.”

Co-co-founder JR ‘Don’t Try to Put a Turtleneck On Me’ Raphael was equally puzzled by what transpired.

“I’m equally puzzled by what transpired,” he says. “We admired how they pwned AT&T’s Randall Stephenson. We praised their efforts to defend the rights of small breasted Australian women. We even used the word ‘pwned’ in a phony quote by one of us within this story. I guess it was just our time.”

By early Friday access to the site was largely restored, though some users are still reporting seeing the defaced home page when they first sign on. By that time Anonymous had called off its attacks, after we contacted them via IRC and offered to introduce them to actual members of the opposite sex.

eSarcasm apologizes for any inconvenience the site outage may have caused its millions thousands hundreds dozens of faithful readers. We now return you to your regularly scheduled snark, already in progress.

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