Alternate Reality

Apple to Attempt New Adjective-Dropping Record at 2011 WWDC

Apple has big things in store for this year’s Worldwide Developers Conference — and only eSarcasm has the juicy details.

By (@JRRaphael)

March 28, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple WWDC 2011Apple may not be unveiling the magical and life-changing iPhone 5 at this summer’s Worldwide Developers Conference, but the company certainly has some surprises up its sleeve.

Sources close to the situation tell eSarcasm Apple will use its 2011 WWDC to attempt to set a new record for the overuse of flowery adjectives at a single corporate event. Teams of engineers have reportedly been working around-the-clock in preparation.

“This is something the company takes very seriously,” one source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, confesses.

Setting such a record is no small feat. At Apple’s iPad 2 event earlier this month, for example, statisticians believe CEO Steve Jobs uttered a total of 2,972 flowery adjectives, including 970 “beautifuls” and 734 “amazings.” And those numbers are nothing in comparison to Jobs’ announcement of the iPhone 4, at which approximately 4,863 overly colorful descriptors were deployed.

“Look — Steve knows the bar is high here, but he remains convinced we can cram more meaningless and unnecessary words into this event,” one insider explains. “How else are we supposed to drive home the message that the mundane stuff we’re showing is somehow unmatchable by everything else on the market and under development?”

Apple’s WWDC is set to take place on June 6 in San Francisco. eSarcasm may or may not be in attendance; our gadget review editor, Lenny the Lobster, is currently trying to bribe various insiders for an invite. If you know anyone willing to trade a seat for a crustacean handjob — err, clawjob, we guess — please contact us ASAP.

SEE ALSO: 15 Things You Won’t Hear Said at Apple’s WWDC

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