Penguins Look to Even the Score

Australia’s gay penguin population has armed itself for war. They may be wingless, but they’re far from gutless. eSarcasm talks with the leader of the crack penguin sniper team.

By Dan Tynan

July 17, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

You know things have gotten dire when penguins have to pay for protection. Yet in the land down under, these flightless fowl have turned to professional sharpshooters to keep predators away from their rookery.

Per the BBC:

Professional snipers have been brought in to guard a vulnerable colony of penguins in Australia. The deployment follows the mysterious deaths of nine of the flightless birds over the last two weeks. The mutilated bodies of the animals, known as fairy penguins, were found in a national park near Sydney harbour.

The Australian Association of Gay and Lesbian Water Fowl termed the killings a hate crime, and demanded an immediate police investigation. Homosexuality is relatively common among penguins; some gay penguin couples have even been known to adopt chicks.

But the penguins have taken matters into their own hands, hiring a crack team of mercenaries to defend the group against predators. We spoke with Skipper, the leader of the team, about what they had in store.

e: So how are you planning to defend the rookery?

All I can say is we’re here, we’re queer, and we’re not going to take it any more. Aside from that, I can’t say much. Our actual tactics are a closely guarded secret. But let me assure you we will terminate with extreme prejudice.

e: So you’re planning to –

– Murder the bastards who killed Willy, Opus, Fluffball, Tango, Skittles, Pingu, Moocher, Blueballs, and Sylvia? Damn straight. Those dirtbags are going to eat lead for breakfast. Say hello to my little friend.

e:How can you fire an Uzi with flippers?

I’d show you, but… you know the rest. Listen. All we’re asking for is the right to be left alone and eat a little herring. Is that too much? I don’t think so. You saw March of the Penguins? Happy Feet? Cute and adorable, right? Well, we’re not cute and adorable. We’re stone cold killers.

e: Any final words for our readers?

We’re just here to do a job and then be on our way. We don’t want to hurt anybody unless we have to. But mess with us, compadre, and you’ll never know what hit you.