Rants In Our Pants

Apple’s iPad 2, Reviewed By a Lobster

eSarcasm’s new gadget reviewer, who happens to be a lobster, spent some time with the iPad 2 — and he wasn’t at all happy with what he found.

By (@LobsterLenny)

March 14, 2011

Lenny the Lobster
Lenny the Lobster is eSarcasm’s gadget review editor. You can reach him at lenny [at] esarcasm [dot] com or via Twitter: @LobsterLenny.

I recently had the chance to get my claws on Apple’s new iPad 2, and let me tell you, this thing is a real piece of shit.

Now, I’m no picky arthropod — I live in the ocean, for Christ’s sake — but if I’m going to drop 500 smackers on a gadget, I want it to work. The iPad 2, to put it nicely, left my antennae flaccid.

iPad 2 FacetimeThe problems started as soon as I fired up the tablet’s browser. I pulled up some pics of hot young crustacean coeds and tried to zoom in on their naughty bits (what, like you’ve never done that?). Apple’s always waxing on and on about pinch-to-zoom this, pinch-to-zoom that, so I figured I’d be home-free. No matter how many times I pinched at the screen with my lobster claws, though, the fucking thing wouldn’t budge. Pinch, pinch, no zoom. Pinch, pinch, no zoom. What kind of pinch-to-zoom feature is that?

Pinching frustration aside, the screen itself left something to be desired. I was able to use my mandibles to tap open apps and even start a Facetime chat, but the moisture from my exoskeleton kept smudging the display. And the sand from my hind legs scratched the surface within a matter of minutes. Hello — quality control? What was Apple thinking? Those schmucks clearly forgot to make sure their product could withstand typical day-to-day usage without being damaged.

On the bright side, the iPad 2’s thin design made the tablet a joy to tote around in my tender claws. The pleasure quickly backfired, though: As soon as I brought the iPad into my home — the third burrow past the continental shelf — the piece of shit shorted out and shut down. I’m not sure what kind of shenanigans this Steve Jobs character is trying to pull here, but selling a computer that doesn’t even work within your own home is a fucking crock if I’ve ever seen one. That guy can suck my left uropod.

All in all, the iPad 2 was a huge disappointment. I couldn’t recommend this tablet to any technology enthusiast, crustacean or otherwise. Boy, this thing really makes my blue blood boil.

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  • None

    Great article.

  • None

    Great article.

  • Jorge922

    I knew it was too good to be true!

  • Oct_Ta_Puss

    Great review!
    BTW, the zoom? you need to get all your little legs into it. I was able to get it working!

  • carnac

    Best you can do?

  • Carbon Badger

    I’m a bit concerned about Lenny & his ability to undertake future reviews. Either he has been in the sun to long or he has been properly boiled. I imagine being dead my severely limit his technical abilities.

    • Carbon Badger

      sorry, should read “may severely limit”.

  • Steve NeedsLiver

    This review is absolutely garbage! Lenny clearly didnt use Apple’s iClaw peripheral available oceanwide at only $599 with 3 year contract.

  • Eddy

    F’ing shi# brother, man you had me rolling!!!…Just picked up a Lambo vx6 netbook, it does have a pinch to zoom feature so I can zoom in on the naughty bits with ease!!!!