Rants In Our Pants

13 Reasons Why Charlie Sheen Should Work Here

Warner Bros has fired Charlie Sheen from “Two and a Half Men.” We’d love it if you worked for us, Chuck. Here are 13 excellent reasons why you should consider our offer.

By (@eSarcasm)

March 8, 2011

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

So you got shitcanned from “Two and a Half Men.” We heard. All just because of some wacky comments on a few dozens of 2,372 media outlets. What a crock.

Frankly we are outraged. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Or a TV sitcom star’s constitutional right to act like a total asstard?

It’s creeping socialism, that’s what it is. But you’re in luck, Chuck. eSarcasm has openings. In face, we believe your unique blend of crazyass commentary, rampant drug abuse, and satyr-like sexual proclivities would fit nicely with our corporate culture.

Though we can’t match your old salary of $1.2 million a week, we can offer some Totally Bitchin’ Rock Star From Mars fringe benefits. Here are 13 reasons why you should be kicking it at eSarcasm LLC:

* Our employment contracts have no clauses regarding termination for  “moral turpitude.” Nor do we have any friggin’ clue what that even means. In fact, once you’re hired, you’re pretty much in for life no matter how much of a fuckup you are. Just like the DMV.

* We’ve almost finished setting up our new Freebasing Lounge. Good thing, too, because last year we almost burnt down the entire block. 

* We have instituted a Bring a Porn Star to Work Day. So far, we haven’t been able to convince any to show up. But with you on board, we’re confident there will be plenty to go around for everyone.

* Like you, we’re surrounded by goddesses. Unfortunately, ours exist entirely on the Internet. Otherwise, same thing.

* We totally get your thing about closing your eyes and using the power of your mind to accomplish amazing things. That’s what we do after looking at our goddesses.

* Despite having approximately 7.2 regular readers and raking in almost $30 in revenue last year (mostly from sales of Zuck for Men pro-perspirant), we too know we’re winning. We just have a different constitution than "more successful" sites. Duh.

* We also have the boogers of a 7-year-old. Or in our case, a dozen 7-year-olds. That’s because we started hiring child interns away from TechCrunch. Point is, we’re noblemen.

* We will build you an Octagon where you can fight producer Chuck Lorre.

* We know the pain of working for “contaminated retarded little zombie-maggot-nazi-turds.” We’re self employed.

* Our security guards have been instructed to not let Jon Cryer within 200 yards of the building. And that annoying fat kid? He’s to be shot on sight.

* Our fridge is completely stocked with bindles of “the drug called Charlie Sheen.” Also pints of Tiger Blood, and half and half.

* We will happily chop off anyone’s head, stick it in a box, and ship it to the address of your choice. We’ve even set up a special FedEx Human Materials account for this purpose.

* We’ve already changed our motto from “Geek Humor Gone Wild” to “Duh, Winning!” What more could you ask?

Crazy Charlie Photo: NY Daily News.

Jon Cryer & Angus Jones: Life.

Get fresh geek humor delivered daily: RSS | E-Mail | Twitter