Rants In Our Pants

13 Reasons Why Charlie Sheen Should Work Here

Warner Bros has fired Charlie Sheen from “Two and a Half Men.” We’d love it if you worked for us, Chuck. Here are 13 excellent reasons why you should consider our offer.

By (@eSarcasm)

March 8, 2011

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.

So you got shitcanned from “Two and a Half Men.” We heard. All just because of some wacky comments on a few dozens of 2,372 media outlets. What a crock.

Frankly we are outraged. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Or a TV sitcom star’s constitutional right to act like a total asstard?

It’s creeping socialism, that’s what it is. But you’re in luck, Chuck. eSarcasm has openings. In face, we believe your unique blend of crazyass commentary, rampant drug abuse, and satyr-like sexual proclivities would fit nicely with our corporate culture.

Though we can’t match your old salary of $1.2 million a week, we can offer some Totally Bitchin’ Rock Star From Mars fringe benefits. Here are 13 reasons why you should be kicking it at eSarcasm LLC:

* Our employment contracts have no clauses regarding termination for  “moral turpitude.” Nor do we have any friggin’ clue what that even means. In fact, once you’re hired, you’re pretty much in for life no matter how much of a fuckup you are. Just like the DMV.

* We’ve almost finished setting up our new Freebasing Lounge. Good thing, too, because last year we almost burnt down the entire block. 

* We have instituted a Bring a Porn Star to Work Day. So far, we haven’t been able to convince any to show up. But with you on board, we’re confident there will be plenty to go around for everyone.

* Like you, we’re surrounded by goddesses. Unfortunately, ours exist entirely on the Internet. Otherwise, same thing.

* We totally get your thing about closing your eyes and using the power of your mind to accomplish amazing things. That’s what we do after looking at our goddesses.

* Despite having approximately 7.2 regular readers and raking in almost $30 in revenue last year (mostly from sales of Zuck for Men pro-perspirant), we too know we’re winning. We just have a different constitution than "more successful" sites. Duh.

* We also have the boogers of a 7-year-old. Or in our case, a dozen 7-year-olds. That’s because we started hiring child interns away from TechCrunch. Point is, we’re noblemen.

* We will build you an Octagon where you can fight producer Chuck Lorre.

* We know the pain of working for “contaminated retarded little zombie-maggot-nazi-turds.” We’re self employed.

* Our security guards have been instructed to not let Jon Cryer within 200 yards of the building. And that annoying fat kid? He’s to be shot on sight.

* Our fridge is completely stocked with bindles of “the drug called Charlie Sheen.” Also pints of Tiger Blood, and half and half.

* We will happily chop off anyone’s head, stick it in a box, and ship it to the address of your choice. We’ve even set up a special FedEx Human Materials account for this purpose.

* We’ve already changed our motto from “Geek Humor Gone Wild” to “Duh, Winning!” What more could you ask?

Crazy Charlie Photo: NY Daily News.

Jon Cryer & Angus Jones: Life.






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Comments

  • Extrakidney

    How can u guys compete with ipad2? Charlie is whacked but he’s still on the same drug as Jobs. Those 2 guys get together and the Mayan calendar and Nostradamus inflection point is realized. Pluto moves out of orbit and we finally see what’s behind Saturn’s 3rd moon. Shit is going to get totally crazy man!

  • Extrakidney

    ++++++++++ to the person that liked my comment +++++++++++++

    oh, so you like that eh? you want me to do it again? harder, faster, tell me what you want and I swear I’ll do it! I’m your toy, play with me ;) Read me with your pants off. Touch yourself, I don’t care who’s watching. And you know why? you really want to know? Because I’m on a drug baby, maybe you know it ? It’s called “The Sheen” and it makes me f’in crazy for the porn and the star. Get some before it’s gone!
    Charlie.Out.

  • ExtraOrdinary

    I did like your comment. However, after your note to the first “like,” I wish to say that I am already in a relationship (sort of.) and not available for the types of activity you suggest. You do possess a Charlie-like creativity and maybe you could work for Charlie after you have been released from the mental hospital. Or you could check yourself in together. You both have a great deal to say even though a normal brain would have trouble comprehending it. You have a great future in………..well, a number of professions. Good luck!

  • ExtraOrdinary

    I did like your comment. However, after your note to the first “like,” I wish to say that I am already in a relationship (sort of.) and not available for the types of activity you suggest. You do possess a Charlie-like creativity and maybe you could work for Charlie after you have been released from the mental hospital. Or you could check yourself in together. You both have a great deal to say even though a normal brain would have trouble comprehending it. You have a great future in………..well, a number of professions. Good luck!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      you two need to get a room.

      • Extrakidney

        got a room and finally got out, had an extra ordinary time with a banana, peanut butter and a typewriter. going to ask dilbert to sketch it up