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Apple iPad Users Suffering From ‘Miracle Fatigue’

As Apple gets ready to introduce the iPad 2 on March 2, experts fear that iPad fans may not be able to withstand another miraculous, life-changing device.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 23, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Jennifer Allan isn’t ready for her life to change again.

As Apple gets ready to announce another magical, life-changing iPad 2 on March 2, the feverish anticipation Allan would normally feel at this moment has turned to dread.

“When I bought my first Apple iPad last year, my life changed so dramatically I really wasn’t prepared to handle it,” says Allan. “For one thing, I used to be a man. One trip to the Genius Bar at my local Apple Store later and poof – I’ve got tits. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new breasts. I’m just not sure I’m ready to go through all that all over again.”

Allan isn’t the only Apple aficionado who’s quietly dreading the appearance of the iPad 2.

James Dalrymple was a typical Apple fanboy — 5 foot 3 and 50 pounds overweight. Then, on April 30, 2010, he bought a brand new iPad 3G. The next morning he awoke a strapping 6 foot 2 inches tall with rippling biceps and washboard abs.

“It was a miracle,” he says now. “And also a total pain in the ass. None of my clothes fit any more. I had to go to JC Penneys wrapped in a towel to buy pants. I still bang my head getting in and out of my car.”

Now Dalrymple fears the new iPad may make him so large he can no longer fit inside his apartment.

Allan and Dalrymple are suffering from what clinicians are calling Apple Induced Miracle Fatigue Syndrome – a malady in which the life-altering properties of Apple products often have unforeseen consequences.

“Victims of AIMFS feel powerless, like their lives have been taken over by a force greater than themselves,” says Dr. Ignatius Bordello, who has been studying the syndrome since the introduction of the original iPhone. “They are often completely unprepared for the kinds of changes owning an Apple product can bring. Yet they still feel compelled to buy everything Steve Jobs touches, no matter how overpriced, overhyped, or just plain silly it is.”

Bordello says merely being in proximity to new Apple hardware may have a profound effect on a person’s physical well being.

“I’ve seen blind people walk into an Apple Store and come out with 20/20 vision, and they only went in there to use the toilet,” he says. “These devices can heal the sick and bring zombies back to life. They can even make Snookie from ‘Jersey Shore’ talk like a Harvard PhD.”

If you are suffering from AIMFS, Bordello advises you take the following steps on or before March 2:

* Ask a friend to duct tape you to a heavy piece of furniture, or possibly a set of free weights;

* Do not attempt to leave the house for at least two weeks, lest you be inexorably drawn toward an Apple Store;

* Try to think about Windows Phone 7 – it usually has a soporific effect.

One more thing, adds Bordello:

“Never say the words ‘one more thing’ around a person suffering from AIMFS,” he says. “It drives them into a complete frenzy.”






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Comments

  • Extrakidney

    When reached for comment Jobs and those near him had this to say: “Apple strives to ensure Bordello’s and others in this profession have nothing to study by releasing adequate amounts of hardware and then software to stay ahead of our competition. We have no idea who our competition is, since we haven’t seen them, but MicroWindows we are told will also be releasing a new load in 2012″.
    A group representing AIMFS (active independent masturbation for sex) couldn’t be reached around the hours before press time.

  • http://empoprise-bi.blogspot.com/ John E. Bredehoft (Empoprises)

    This predates the original iPhone. In approximately 1985, my then-employer bought Macintosh computers. Soon afterward, I entered a relationship and got married. I don’t dare buy an iPhone, iPod, or iPad – bigamy doesn’t sound all that enticing.