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Top 12 Reasons Why Aol. Bought The Huffington Post

No, it’s really true. Aol. just bought the world’s leading site for online news run by an autocratic tyrant with a funny accent. Here’s why. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

February 7, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yeah, we thought it was an April Fools joke too when we first saw it. But no, it’s true: AOL – err,  Aol. – has just purchased The Huffington Post for a cool $315 million in folding money.

[Full Disclosure: eSarcasm is part of The Huffington Post’s Comedy Page.

Even Fuller Disclosure: Those guys totally dicked us around. ]

Not only is HuffPo going to join Engadget, TMZ, and TechCrunch in Aol.’s burgeoning stable of online publications, but Ms. Huffy herself, L’Arianna, is going to be the editor in chief.

That means… wait for it… she’s going to be Michael Arrington’s boss.

And they say Christmas only comes once a year.

Still, the move by CEO Tim Armstrong had a lot of people scratching their heads, and not just from that bed bug problem that’s been going around. Here are 12 reasons why he made the move.

1. While Google may no longer need "adult supervision," TechCrunch clearly does.

2. AOL is no longer in the how-to-get-grandma-online business, it’s in the shovel-as-much crap-onto-the-InterWebs-as-humanly-possible-until-the-day-we-can-train-monkeys-to-do-this business. Arianna, of course, is an expert at training monkeys. Can you say “synergy”?

3. Arianna needed a refresher course in proper journalistic practices. Who better to pair her with than Mr. Ethics himself?

4. The Huffington Post had way too many capital letters and not nearly enough unnecessary punctuation. Aol. couldn’t resist the chance to fix that; get ready to meet the new Huff~ingtonp@st. media group(:

5. Aol. had too many 2400 baud modems and not enough unoriginal click-bait slideshows. HuffPo to the rescue!

6. Tim Armstrong is really hoping to get invited to those hip Huffpo parties where Lindsay Lohan flashes her hootchie.

7. Market research indicates Aol.’s core user demographic – toothless men who signed up for dial-up service in the early 90s — will click on Huffington Post stories in exchange for soup.

8. Aol. wanted someone with an oversized ego to oversee TechCrunch. Wait a minute…

9. Armstrong was in the buying mood, but even he couldn’t bring himself to spend more than $100 on MySpace.

10. Armstrong had run out of stupid things to photograph the ‘Aol.’ logo against and was hoping Arianna might have some shit laying around the house he could use.

11. Tim Armstrong plans to strip Arianna Huffington and Michael Arrington naked, lock them in a room with 5 pounds of oleomargarine and two butter knives, and see what happens.

12. He also plans to capture that with hidden cameras and show it on a pay-per-view basis. The first 1000 people to sign up with receive a free motion-sickness bag.

Arianna + Arrington + hidden cameras = TMZ gold.

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