Alternate Reality

Bill Gates vs The Hurricane

The former Microsoft CEO wants to patent a method for preventing hurricanes. We shit you not. But early tests show a few bugs have yet to be worked out.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 16, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

gates teletubbiesIn the 1960s Creedence Clearwater Revival asked the musical question, “Who’ll Stop the Rain?” Now we finally have an answer: Bill Gates.

In an application filed with the US Patent and Trademark Office, the Microsoft co-founder and his partners at Intellectual Ventures Lab describe a method of stopping a hurricane in its tracks by scooping up cold water from deep in the ocean and dropping it onto the storm, instantly reducing its intensity.

But early beta tests of the weather-controlling technology have produced mixed results, eSarcasm has learned.

For example, the technology — codenamed Live Weather Control Ultimate Professional for Vista 1.0, Multiuser Edition — successfully prevented an electrical storm in the Midwest last May. However, it also temporarily removed the sky over portions of eastern Ohio and replaced it with the Teletubbies wallpaper from Windows XP.

The technology also created a snowstorm in Los Angeles, spurred flash floods in New York City, and caused frogs and lizards to rain down over parts of Northern Kentucky.

When contacted, Gates blamed the problems on conflicts with open source earthquake prevention software running in the background. “Just reboot the atmosphere and it works just fine,” he says.

Gates adds that pricing has not been determined. However, the application will require Internet Explorer to operate and will take advantage of cloud computing.*

Though metereologists are skeptical about the effectiveness of Gates’ plan, they also voice concerns about potential abuses if the technology works as advertised.

Dr. Ernst Blofeld of the Strangelove Institute notes that any technology, even one with allegedly good intent, can be used for nefarious purposes.

“One merely has to say ‘Fail to pay us our annual license fees, and we let the hurricane destroy your home’,” says Blofeld, stroking his pet kitty, Kitty. “It is all so very simple…. and so deliciously evil.”

Gates’s partners in the venture include Lex Luthor, the International League of Supervillians, Kim Jong-Il, and former vice president Dick Cheney.

* Sorry. We’re required to make that joke.






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Comments

  • Lol

    Is…Is this for real?!?!

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      every damned word of it.