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Top 10 Things You Didn’t Know About “The Daily”

Extra, extra, read all about it. Apple and News Corp have finally unveiled the first ‘newspaper’ for the iPad. Here are ten things they won’t tell you about it.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 2, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Yes, The Daily – the world’s first newspaper available only on the Apple iPad – has finally hit the streets. But there are some things neither Apple’s Eddie Cue nor News Corp’s Rupert Murdoch will reveal about their miraculous, life-changing, journalism-saving app.

In fact, there are ten of them.

1. The Daily will only publish stories pre-approved by Apple and Fox News. Articles may not include any mentions of Google Android, socialized medicine, or iPorn.

2. Audio commenting will be enabled on every story, but will feature an obscenities filter in case Carol "F*** off" Bartz logs on.

3. The first 1000 subscribers will receive a free loofah personally autographed by Bill O’Reilly.

4. The Daily will bring Twitter feeds from sports stars and celebrities directly into articles. For an additional fee, readers may elect to not receive feeds from Ashton Kutcher, Tila Tequila, or Robert Scoble.

5. Each issue will feature its own "Page 3 girl." The first one: Semi-nude pix of Michelle Malkin, covered only by the parts of the US Constitution she agrees with.

6. Each issue will feature a wing-nut conspiracy theory of the day. Is the US merging with Canada and Mexico? Has the White House resuscitated the cryogenically frozen head of Adolf Hitler? Is Obama Satan? Download the app to find out.

7. Free subscription for every human organ donated to the Keep Rupert Murdoch’s Body Alive Forever Foundation.

8. For an additional charge, The Daily will hire a pimply teenager to toss each day’s edition onto your front porch. (Note: Neither Apple nor News Corp assume liability for damage to your iPad.)

9. The Daily will employ actual fact checkers, but only for the weather, horoscopes, and comics sections.

10. The Daily’s secret motto: Fuck Jon Stewart.

At today’s press conference, Rupert Murdoch also denied rumors he is stepping down from his position as Chairman of News Corp for health reasons and being replaced by The Cryptkeeper.

Photo: Murdoch iPad mashup courtesy of the New York Observer

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  • Extrakidney

    Alert: Jon Stewart has agreed to license the daily show to Apple for a new app their calling “the Daily Show, 4 times a week with some regularity”. Stewart was heard saying “it’s like The Daily, but I’ve added the word Show” then added, “and it’s much more clever, funny, insightful and interesting”. Rupert was asked for a comment but his people said he wasn’t available until after his life sustaining blood treatments and cookies with milk were finished.
    As to whether Jon is giving anything away to the first 1,000 users? Jon Stewart felt nobody not working at Fox would be interested and they already get all the free loofas they can handle.

  • What happened to the nude photos you claimed to have?