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Are You Smarter Than a Tea Partier?

Just take this quiz and find out. Don’t worry, there are only 8 questions and they’re all multiple choice. Also: If you don’t, the terror — err, socialists — will win. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

February 1, 2011

Do you have what it takes to be a member of this country’s most dynamic political movement? It’s not as simple as it looks. You need the ability to bend historical facts to match your own loopy preconceptions, as well as the willingness to make stupid-ass statements before an audience of millions.

You also need to fail the following test. If you do, you could receive millions of dollars from the Koch brothers and snag a well-paying analyst gig on Fox News.

First, a few simple rules: No reading ahead for the correct answers, and no drawing with crayons on your computer screen, please. Ready? Let’s begin.

1. When analyzing President Obama’s recent State of the Union speech for Fox News, Sarah Palin referred to several “WTF moments.” What did Palin mean by WTF?

a. Winning The Future
b. Worldwide Terrorist Fatwa
c. White Trash Female
d. Wasilla Tramp For-the-win

Correct answer: a.

Winning The Future is the catchphrase used by President Obama throughout his recent SOTU address, which Palin abbreviated to WTF. (At least, we think that’s what she meant.) However, she does deserve props for spelling it correctly.

2. "The very founders that wrote [the Constitution] worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States….Men like John Quincy Adams, who would not rest until slavery was extinguished in the country." Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made that statement in a speech last week. What’s wrong with it?

a. John Quincy Adams was not one of the founder fathers
b. Slavery ended 30 years after the founding fathers died
c. Somebody let Michele Bachmann within 500 yards of a TV camera
d. All of the above

Correct answer: d

John Quincy was 9 years old in 1776, so if he did sign the Declaration of Independence, he used a crayon. Slavery, of course, was baked into the Constitution by the founding fathers to keep the south from breaking away, and not removed until 4 score and 9 years later. Bachmann apparently confused the Revolutionary War (powdered wigs, wooden teeth) with the Civil War (stovepipe hat, funny beard). An easy mistake to make if you spent most of your time in college giving hand jobs in the back seat of daddy’s beamer.

3. Which sovereign nation won the space race?

a. The US
b. The USSR
c. The Duchy of Grand Fenwick
d. Luke Skywalker

Correct answer: a.

Though not if you ask Sarah Palin, who in her response to the SOTU ascribed that honor to the Soviets. Then again, there’s no arguing with her expertise; she can see the moon from her backyard.

4. The Soviet Union was driven to economic collapse by …

a. The race to put a man on the moon
b. Massive cold war military budgets
c. Widespread government corruption
d. Trying to keep Olympic weight lifter Vasily Alexeyev fed

Correct answer: b

Apparently the same space race the Russians didn’t win also caused them to go bankrupt, according to the half-term Alaskan governor. Most experts say the massive military buildup had a lot more to do with it, though we’d put at least part of the blame on Mr. Vasily “Never met a Twinkie he didn’t like” Alexeyev.

5. The “Amero” is …

a. A currency to be issued when the US, Canada, and Mexico merge
b. A delicious caffienated beverage
c. That guy who plays center for the Knicks
d. A batshit-crazy conspiracy theory

Correct answers: a & d

At least in the mind of Kentucky Senator Rand Paul, who warns of the impending ‘supercontinent’ in a 2008 speech. The good news: We won’t have to worry about the problem of illegal immigration any more – we’ll all just be Amerocans.

6. Separation of church and state is a fundamental principle of which historical document?

a. The Communist Manifesto
b. Mein Kampf
c. The US Constitution
d. The Chronicles of Narnia

Correct answer: c.

But not if you ask Christine O’Donnell, who in a debate with Senatorial opponent Chris Coons asked where exactly in the US Constitution such separation was laid out. (It’s in the First Amendment, but apparently missing from her copy of the Cliff Notes.)

7. True or false: It is perfectly legal to use political donations to pay the rent on your home if you use it as your campaign headquarters.

a. True
b. False
c. True, but only if you anoint the front door with wolfbane and eye of newt

Correct answer: b.

Christine O’Donnell has been accused by two former staffers of using part of her $7.3 million campaign war chest to pay for rent, food, gas, and to go bowling. Also not acceptable campaign expenses: broomsticks, pointy hats, or Brazilian wax jobs.

8. Complete the following sentence: Sputnik is to Spudnut as ________ is to ________:

a. Caribou is to Barbie
b. Sexual abstinence is to teen pregnancy
c. Crosshairs are to surveyors’ marks
d. Wasilla is to the White House

Correct answer: d.

Though any of the answers would probably apply, only d. sufficiently captures the distance between Obama’s call for renewed intellectual commitment (our “Sputnik moment”) with Palin’s call for renewed consumption of breakfast pastries (“Spudnut moment”). That’s what America really needs to stay competitive in the 21st century economy: Potato-flour doughnuts.

KEY

6 to 8 correct:  You are indeed smarter than a tea partier, but you’ve got no future in politics.

3 to 5 correct: You are also still smarter than a tea partier, but you might have trouble making the minimum IQ requirements for appearing on “Jersey Shore.”

0 to 2 correct: Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the next president of these United States.






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Comments

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Q7D2MNSCDNJQCUB37H55WZW2NU Aunt_Denise

    Considering the level of your puerile humour and your drooling adoration of tits and ass shots, I think you are seriously into ‘pot, kettle’ territory with slamming the TEA Parties. It does, however, point up the level to which American education has failed the younger generation.

    • http://esarcasm.com dantynan

      Oh Auntie D. Off your meds again I see.

      We’re not calling the Tea Party (or TEA Parties) puerile, drooling, or hopelessly enamored of naughty bits. We’re calling them stupid.

      To recap:

      Us = puerile, drooling
      Them = stupid

      So it’s not the pot calling the kettle black, it’s the toaster calling the oven an idiot.

      Glad I could clear that up.

      dt

  • anon1

    The line about being smarter than a tea-partier but failing the IQ requirements for Jersey Shore.. best ever.

  • GirlFromBoston(andProdofIt)

    Go Sarah Palin! The first woman president of the United States. Once elected, I’ll be able to slide a zillion things past the government. Long live liberty! Long live Tiki Parties. Forever the end of caribou in Alaska! Go Sarah!

  • muchinsulted5x

    OMG that’s a laugh-riot!!!! My favorite expression is “only if you anoint the front door with wolfbane and eye of newt!” I’m going to use that again believe me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Van-Hill/100000273193449 Van Hill

    i agree with your answers ,but please quit showing Sarah palin pics your scaring my kids , my dogs and hurting my eyes