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Inside Larry Page’s First Day as Google CEO

Yes, Google’s got a new el jefe. Eric Schmidt has just handed the keys to the chief executive limo to Larry Page. Here’s what Larry’s first day was like. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@eSarcasm)

April 4, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Eric Schmidt put it best in his tweet: The time for adult supervision at Google is over. Last January he made it official; co-founder Larry Page is putting on his big boy pants and taking the reins as Google’s new CEO.

Today, April 4, 2011, Larry Page officially took the reigns at Google. Thanks to sources deep within the company, we have obtained his personal diary for his first day as CEO. Needless to say, it’s an eye opener. Here’s how Larry spent his first day on the job:

7:30 AM: Breakfast. No matter how many times I eat them, I’m still koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs.

7:52 AM: Personal grooming session. Finally got to use that can of Axe mom bought me for my birthday. Put on clean T shirt. Added more talcum powder to hair.

8:21 AM: Tried all 16 of my Android phones, not one of them can hold a charge overnight. Don’t any of these friggin’ things work?

8:45 AM: Get to office, turn on PC, Google "CEO + How to."

9:00 AM: Morning meeting with Uncle Eric. I hate it when he makes me sit on his lap. Sergey doesn’t seem to mind as much, though.

10:00 AM: Interview with TechCrunch. Those guys are creepy. And could someone please show that Arrington dude the Wikipedia page on Halitosis? I thought I was gonna barf.

10:44 AM: Erased nude pix of Marissa Mayer from hard drive (sigh). Still need to disable spycam in the women’s executive washroom.

11:07 AM: Called Facilities, ordered them to stock all 2,893 Googleplex vending machines with Mountain Dew and Hostess Ho-Ho’s — immediately.

11:15 AM: Product development meeting. Discussed plans to implement new security measures in Google Buzz and changes to the PageRank algorithm. Boooooorrrrrriiiiiing. Good thing I remembered to bring my Gameboy.

12:30 PM: Lunch in the Googleteria. Today they served Lunchables!

1:22 PM: Awkward moment in the executive washroom when Uncle Eric came in. There were 27 empty urinals; does he always have to pick the one right next to mine? Buffer zone, dude; look it up.

1:30 PM: Approved new Google Doodles honoring The Archies, PopRocks, and Justin Bieber.

2:00 PM: Had to reschedule usual Dungeon & Dragons Session with Sergey. He’s been in a total snit since Uncle Eric refused to let him change his title to Grand Overlord of the Dark Realms. Re-read The Silmarillion instead.

2:45 PM: Asked Uncle Eric for keys to the self-driving car. Had to listen to yet another lecture about what happened last time after I modified the engine to hit 180 mph and reprogrammed all the traffic lights to turn green. Could I possibly have anticipated a truck full of llamas would be stalled on Sand Hill Road? Seriously?

3:15 PM: Nappy time.

4:00 PM: Reviewed plans to secretly install gAmygdala brain implants into all of humanity and turn them into our personal slaves. Installation methodology still a little kludgey. Need to talk to Sergey about that.

4:40 PM: Decided to change Google’s corporate motto from "Don’t be evil" to "Don’t fuck with us, for we are awesome and will totally pwn your ass."

5:17 PM: Called Facilities again, told them to restock all Googleplex vending machines with Mr. Pibb and Circus Peanuts. God I love this job.

6:23 PM: Got home, turned on SyFy channel; they were showing a "Star Trek: Voyager" marathon. 7 of 9, baby. Some day you will be mine.

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