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Memo to Murdoch: We Will Buy MySpace

So MySpace is for sale, eh? No worries, Rupe — we’d be happy to take it off your hands. Somebody’s got to think about all those homeless strippers.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 13, 2011

Dear Rupert:

We’ve had our differences over the years, but we hope you’ll hear us out. We’d like to put the past behind us and help News Corp move forward into the digital millennium. Toward that end, we are willing to take MySpace — sorry, My_____ — off your hands for the generous sum of one hundred dollars ($100).

That’s right. We are willing to give you $100 in exchange for all of MySpace’s assets — the Web site, user database, servers, employees, and intellectual property (as if). And we’re prepared to pay cash.

Yes, we know. Back in those heady days of 2005 when Facebook was still just a way for Mark Zuckerberg to get inside the pants of brain-dead coeds, MySpace was "da bomb," as the kids say. Fifty friggin’ million users? Are you kidding me? That was bigger than AOL, Prodigy, and BBSnet combined. It seemed like a steal for just $580 million.

Today, though, 50 million users is bupkis. More people than that comment on Facebook every time Zuckerberg farts. Hell, even eSarcasm has 50 million readers.*

We think you should seriously consider our offer. Last August, Newsweek.com sold for exactly $1. Newsweek = 100 pennies. We’re offering you 100 times that amount — a 10,000 percent bump. Can you honestly say MySpace is 10,000 times better than Newsweek? We didn’t think so.

Remember, it could be worse. AOL bought Bebo for $850 million and sold it three years later for $5,000 and a box of Jujube’s.

Of course you’re probably wondering what eSarcasm — the world’s leading site for juvenile geek humor and pictures of scantily clad women — would want with your struggling social network. We’re glad you asked.

Here are five reasons why we want to buy MySpace:

  • We’ve grown very close to "Tom."
  • The thought of all those strippers abandoned without a home on the InterWebs just breaks our little hearts.
  • Despite heroic efforts, MySpace has yet to fully explore the boundaries of atrocious design. We think with some fresh input it could be even more tasteless.
  • We’re also planning to buy a company that leases lots in trailer parks. Can you say "cross-promotional opportunities"? Ka-ching!
  • We’re trying to cultivate a more Zen-like outlook for the new year. And nothing says “emptiness” like MySpace.

    We hope you will seriously consider our offer in the spirit in which it was intended.



* Per Internet Audit Bureau Survey of Imaginary Friends, June 2010

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