Rants In Our Pants

How the Verizon iPhone Will Change the World

Apple’s magical and revolutionary Verizon iPhone is here — and the world will never be the same. Don’t believe us? Check out this list of the ways Apple’s latest gift will forever alter our lives.

By (@eSarcasm)

January 11, 2011

Verizon iPhoneToday, thousands of Apple fanboys are shooting off in their shorts and thousands of hack analysts are facing blank to-do lists. Put together, it can mean only one thing: The Verizon iPhone has finally arrived.

Yes, those same pundits who’ve been predicting an Apple-AT&T-Verizon menage since 1972 have finally gotten it right. Hey, randomly throw a dart at the wall enough times and you’re bound to hit the board sooner or later.

We all know everything Steve Jobs touches is magical and revolutionary, so it only makes sense that the Verizon iPhone — like the iPad and every Apple product before it — will forever change our lives. Laugh as you will, but mark our words: The world will never be the same.

We at eSarcasm have painstakingly researched the Verizon iPhone and assessed the exact game-changing impact it’ll have on society. So without further ado, we give you our final list: the ways in which Apple’s Verizon iPhone will alter the universe we know.

Prepare to be blown away.

How the Verizon iPhone Will Change the World

1. Verizon subscribers will now be able to use the iPhone.

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  • Mark

    LOL! Perfect J.R.

  • Is this twenty times more orgas- I mean fantastic than the toppling of the Berlin Wall, or only ten times more fantastic?

    Will our grandchildren ask us where we were when Tim Cook magically appeared at a Verizon event?

    Oh, and has AT&T declared bankruptcy yet?

  • kymni

    haha…nyc one

  • kymni

    haha…nyc one

  • kymni

    haha…nyc one

  • kymni

    haha…nyc one

  • Anonymous

    Oh no no no. That’s not all. The Verizon iPhone will change the world in a second, more important way. Its mere existence means that, at long last, people outside the US (i.e. most of the world) will no longer have to hear about how the iPhone is great, but AT&T is a pain, said as if applied to all iPhone, everywhere; no longer will we have to read lists of iPhone limitations, half of which are in fact AT&T limitations conflated as iPhone ones, that consequently only apply in a small part of the world; no longer will we read how about the iPhone is terrible for making calls in some country with a third-world wireless infrastructure, written in a way that makes it sound like it somehow applies to us. Our long international nightmare of heard-about wireless network issues is at long last over.

    • Ccarmichael92

      U Mad Bro?

      In all seriousness…. don’t dis out infrastructure…. was around long before yours I would venture to say. And who has largest LTE network right now? Verizon does! Go America! 2011 should see all of its network in sweet 4Gs….

    • ZPedro, perhaps we’ll spare you our anguish about AT&T. But you still have to listen to us talk about Sarah Palin.

      The Ugly Americans (please speak English, and don’t spell color with a u)