Alternate Reality

New ‘Unreality TV’ Show Based on TechCrunch in the Works

Documents obtained illegally and leaked to eSarcasm reveal program will combine the best of The Apprentice and Flavor of Love.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 15, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

crunchtime 1In an eSarcasm exclusive, we have obtained documents that indicate a new ‘unreality TV’ show based on the popular rumor opinion news rumor site TechCrunch may soon be launched.

Documents sent to TechCrunch from a company calling itself Through the Nose Productions ™ were obtained by a hacker known only as Tusky Pinkadero. Copies of the docs were left in an empty box of Russell Stover candies on our doorstep late last night. Also inside the box was a note detailing how the documents were obtained, along with three half-eaten coconut clusters.

We debated long and hard about revealing these documents, as they were obtained illegally and we couldn’t be bothered to vouch for their authenticity.

Before deciding to publish them we consulted with lawyers, consultants, loyal readers, and members of the clergy; when they all told us it would be ethically questionable to reveal the documents’ contents, we decided to do it anyway, because ultimately we’re the only people we have to answer to.

According to the synopsis, the show would be called “CrunchTime” and “combine the best elements of ‘The Apprentice,’ ‘Flavor of Love’, and ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?'”

In the show, a panel of contestants would be asked to judge the authenticity of various tech rumors, most of them involving late-stage negotiations about an acquisition by Google, and write edgy blog posts about them. Contestants who failed to meet up to Mr. Arrington’s rigorous standards for publication (i.e., formatted in HTML) would be summarily fired. The last panelist standing would be declared the winner and become eligible to wash Arrington’s car or, if it was a woman, hold his weenie for him while he urinates.

Representatives of TechCrunch could not be reached for comment, mostly because we didn’t actually try. They’d just deny it anyway and, besides, if this story turns out to be completely bogus, we’ll just update it later when everybody else has moved on. Because at eSarcasm, that’s how we roll.

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