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Truth in Online Dating: A Translation Guide

Been burned by Match.com? Is eHarmony a bit out of tune? Let our guide help you figure out the right way to read those lonely hearts ads.

By (@tynanwrites)

January 10, 2011

Looking for love online? Whether you’re in the market for a sugardaddy, hunting for a f***buddy, just curious (bi- or otherwise), or desperately seeking true love, you’ll run across a lot of online ads that, well, wouldn’t exactly hold up in a court of law.

Truth is, sadly, one of the first casualties in the pursuit of online companionship. An entire vocabulary has sprung up to carefully obscure unpleasant realities, and neither gender is immune. Still, careful reading will help you avoid the urge to fake an epileptic attack when encountering a date who’s not entirely as advertised.

Here’s a helpful guide for the next time you’re cruising Match.com, eHarmony, F***book, or the lonely hearts site of your choosing:

When her ad says this ………..She really means this …

Voluptuous………………………..Fat
Curvy……………………………… Fat
Full figured……………………….. Fat
Zoftig……………………………… Really fat
Athletic…………………………… Fat but can totally kick your ass
Adventurous………………………Goes down on the first date
Free spirit…………………………Goes down between the appetizer and the main course
Uninhibited………………………..Goes down on the waiter while you watch
Cautious…………………………..Ran a background check on you while you were in the toilet
A little wild………………………..Has the number of her bail bondsman tattooed on her wrist
Unpredictable…………………….Keeps an ice pick under her pillow
Seeking “security”……………….If your Amex Platinum card ain’t rockin’, don’t bother knockin’

When it comes to telling the truth on dating sites, however, men are no better.

When his ad says this … ……..He really means this …

Experienced………………………Old
Mature……………………………..Old
Young at heart……………………Old
Youthful appearance……………..Four words: Hair Club for Men
Well endowed…………………….Fully engorged penis exceeds national average by .03 inches
Athletic…………………………….Wears jockstrap 24/7
Affluent ……………………………Able to cover the cost of dinner if you spring for dessert
Affectionate ……………………….Always ends sexting messages with “xxx ooo”
Generous lover…………………….Tips his hookers at least 20%
Family man………………………..Has a picture of his mother tattooed on his chest
Prefers “mature” women………….Has a picture of your mother tattooed on his chest
Neat………………………………..Alphabetized the contents of your purse while you were in the toilet
Unafraid of commitment………….But perfectly ready to tap your roommate, best friend, or sister if things don’t work out






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