Alternate Reality

Apple Restricts Employee Bathroom Use As Verizon iPhone Looms

Following its recent blackout of employee vacations, Apple has just enacted a ban on all staff bathroom breaks as it prepares to announce its life-changing Verizon iPhone.

By (@JRRaphael)

January 7, 2011

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Apple Bathroom & the Verizon iPhoneFurther adding to the buzz that a Verizon iPhone launch is imminent, eSarcasm has learned that Apple is restricting all employee bathroom use for the next seven weeks — a move that seems to foreshadow the introduction of a significant new product.

People familiar with the company’s plans say Apple has issued a “brownout” period during which corporate and retail employees will not be allowed any bathroom breaks. The brownout period will remain in effect from now through the first half of February.

This follows news earlier this week that Apple had frozen all employee vacations for a similar time span stretching into February.

While Apple places numerous restrictions on its employees year-round (no swearing, no pornography viewing, no wearing of any underpants other than Jobs-approved whitey-tighties, etc), the introduction of an all-out bathroom ban is typically seen as a sign that a major announcement is coming.

“Apple believes that only through a culture of close control can people remain driven and focused,” one high-ranking employee, who wished to remain anonymous, tells eSarcasm. “Taking time to relieve oneself of bodily waste is certainly not seen as Apple-like.”

Apple is also considering a ban on all sexual activity for its employees, insiders say — both on-the-clock and off — in order to help them remain pure-minded and focused on Apple-related matters.


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