Alternate Reality

Exclusive: Secrets From the Gawker Media Hack

Gawker Media was hacked last week, exposing the passwords of millions of readers, as well as other company asshats — err, assets. Here are some Gawker revelations you may have missed.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 14, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Our hearts go out to our colleagues at Gawker Media, whose Web site was brutally manhandled last weekend by teen terrorists.

In technical terms, Gawker and its seven sister sites (Gizmodo, Lifehacker, Jezebel, Kotaku and others whose names we can’t remember) were bent over a sawhorse and taught how to do it San Quentin style.

As a result, we all learned a few things. Like: The blogger/editors at Gawker refer to their readers as "peasants," they choose lameass passwords, and they like to make fun of 4chan. A lot.

(For the record, we at eSarcasm would never make fun of 4chan. We love you guys. That whole lolcatz/rickrolling/pedo bear kiddie porn vibe? Hysterical. Please don’t hurt us.)

And, oh yeah: Their site security is about as sturdy as a tampon in a tornado. Which means the email addresses and passwords of 1.2 million people foolish enough to register with the site are now buttered all over the InterWebs. (Yes, ours were among them.)

But that’s not all we learned. Here are 18 more fascinating facts buried inside that massive data file making its way across Torrentland:

* All the editors at Jezebel menstruate at exactly the same time.

* All the editors at Gizmodo masturbate at exactly the same time. (Usually before, during, and after Apple Special Events).

* Gawker provides a weekly "fuck bus" for the girls from Jezebel to visit the boys at Gizmodo.

* Blogger Adrian Chen always has to buy the beer because his fake ID is the most convincing.

* Nick Denton’s old password: 24682468

* Nick Denton’s new password: I♥DonkeySex

* Gizmodo blogger Jason Chen’s password: HelloCopsIKnowUrReadingThis

* Gawker employees don’t actually refer to their readers as "peasants." That was just a typo; they were talking about founder Nick Denton’s pet pheasants, which all staff members are required to groom to earn their McDonald’s-level monthly wage.

* Words rhyming with "Nick" that Denton has permanently banned from Gawker’s internal chat app: prick, dick and lick.

* Nick Denton paid $5000 for a lost Apple iPhone prototype, $2500 for the list of hacked email addresses of Apple iPad owners, and $39.27 for a lock of Christine O’Donnell’s pubic hair.

* Lab tests later indicated the pubic hair had actually come from Tyler Winklevoss; he and his brother are now suing.

* Following Gawker’s editorial retreat in Tijuana last summer, Nick Denton was detained by US Immigration officials for attempting to sneak a live donkey across the border. Apparently the marriage certificate was invalid.

* Editors who want to work at Gawker’s gaming site Kotaku must first prove they are still virgins. The most convincing evidence: The fact they applied for work at Kotaku.

* There apparently is a Web site called "Jalopnik." As far as we can tell, this was considered a secret until now. (Have you ever heard of it?!)

* The staff at Gawker-owned porn blog Fleshbot may use pseudonyms, but their identities are secrets no more. Let’s just say this: Fleshbot’s editor-in-chief has the e-mail address sjobs@apple.com.

* In addition to a new site redesign, Gawker is preparing to implement a new company slogan: "Gawker. We make Michael Arrington look ethical."

* Next spring, Nick Denton is planning to launch a new Gawker Media site: DonkeySchlong.com.

* The guy who was really behind the hack? Apple’s Gray Powell. What can we say? Payback’s a bitch.






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Comments

  • Extrakidney

    phuck, I was one of those violated gawkers. Except I didn’t work there, I just made the mistake of posting a comment. Well, that business email is dead. I wonder if Microsoft is willing to change their name to Microdick or Mostlysoft or ILoveSJ, not sure what the S stands for but the J is definitely for jobs.
    promise me one thing: if you guys get violated by some russian or chinese pre-pubescent boy you will use it for good and just send me porn