Rants In Our Pants

When Microsoft Met Yahoo: A Romance Novel

Microsoft and Yahoo may be in talks for some kind of partnership yet again, new reports indicate. We tackle the on-again, off-again courtship in the form of a cheesy romance novel.

By (@jr_raphael)

July 14, 2009

When Microsoft Met YahooMicrosoft saw her across the room and was immediately stricken with lust. She was the perfect kind of woman: smart, sensual, and eager to please. She knew what he wanted, and she knew how to give to him. She was full of stories of adventure, action, and endless passion. Her name was Yahoo.

Microsoft approached the creature carefully, like a delicate kitten who could easily scare away. She’d had rough times lately, he knew. She’d been through more men than most saw in a lifetime and had always been left alone and partnerless in the end. There might be younger, more appealing models that could do the same things she could, but Microsoft had his sights set; Yahoo was his girl. Her heaving bosom and heavenly legs calming any doubts he had, he reminded himself that he knew how to win her over. He’d wooed countless women like her before, he told himself. He was big, bold, and powerful. He had the kind of money that would make her swoon.

“Hi there,” Microsoft said, a twinkle in his eyes. “I know I’ve seen you here before. I’m Microsoft.”

“Oh, hey,” Yahoo replied, focusing all her energy on seeming casual and confident. She’d noticed Microsoft before, too, and had spent many a night alone, back arched and breath quivering, with him in her thoughts. His low-riding Levis and form-fitting t-shirt had spent countless hours on her imaginary bedroom floor as blissful moans filled the air in her mind.

Polite conversation quickly gave way to passionate embraces, the two intertwining as one in the dark corner of the cozy bar. It felt so wrong — he was the enemy, she told herself. He would use her and then toss her aside. But Yahoo couldn’t help but thinking how it also felt so right, his strong hands running down her spine and pulling her in closer, her skin growing sweaty and yearning for his touch. Behind his throbbing desire, Yahoo knew she felt something — something she could not deny.

But alas, she would not give in; she couldn’t. Microsoft must fight for her womanly delights, she decided. After leading him on for hours, Yahoo pulled back, dug deep inside to find her most cold and uninviting tone, and told him to back off.

The courtship continued this way for months upon months: Microsoft would approach Yahoo, woo her with kind words and soulful gazes, seem to be locked in for love — but then be inexplicably denied her full affections. Finally, the tension grew too strong for either to take. With Yahoo still unwilling to expose her heart and risk being hurt again, each said they would move on and forget each other. The idea of being together, for whatever reason, simply could not work. Yahoo told herself it was for the best; becoming entangled with Microsoft, his legs wrapped in hers, would surely only harm her in the end. She spread the message far and wide: They were done. Nothing could change her mind. Or so she thought.

Fast-forward to today. Microsoft asked Yahoo to meet her in a quiet location. She could sense his interest immediately; she knew that look anywhere. She couldn’t give in, though. She couldn’t. Or maybe she could.

Yahoo told Microsoft she might be willing to reconsider his all-too-indecent proposal. Maybe the two of them could work; maybe his offer of fiery romance could win her over. She couldn’t decide though — not then. He would have to wait longer to win her precious flower. Coyly winking at him, she slipped away into the night, leaving Microsoft alone — and wondering if he’d ever see her again.

To be continued…






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Comments

  • Name

    you are a bad bad man, jr.

  • Name

    you are a bad bad man, jr.

  • wendywhy

    What kinda romance novels are you reading JR?!? This is kinda light on romance and heavy on sex, dontcha think?

    On the plus side you have a gift if the whole esarcasm thing doesn't work out (;

    • http://twitter.com/jr_raphael JR Raphael

      Well, I never said it was a *classy* romance novel…

      Maybe this is why men don't write these things.

      • wendywhy

        Considering the characters, there's not much chance of it being classy, huh?

        I guess I was too critical, sorry. I'm not used to reading anything quite that hot! I bet everyone else that read the article is throwing rotten tomatoes in my general direction because of my comment ;0)

        On the other hand you could make a ton of cash (picture Scrooge McDuck diving into his swimming pool of gold coins) writing erotica :0)

  • http://www.esarcasm.com JR Raphael

    Well, I never said it was a *classy* romance novel…

    Maybe this is why men don't write these things.

  • wendywhy

    Considering the characters, there's not much chance of it being classy, huh?

    I guess I was too critical, sorry. I'm not used to reading anything quite that hot! I bet everyone else that read the article is throwing rotten tomatoes in my general direction because of my comment ;0)

    On the other hand you could make a ton of cash (picture Scrooge McDuck diving into his swimming pool of gold coins) writing erotica :0)