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Inside WikiLeaks’ Super Secret ‘Thermonuclear’ File

WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange has threatened to unleash more classifed data if he is harmed. But why wait? We’ve got the skinny on secrets even that asshole has yet to reveal.

By (@eSarcasm)

December 8, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Read any good leaked diplomatic cables lately? Then you ain’t seen nothing yet.

WikiLeaks has already made a not-so-veiled threat: If anything bad happens to its Leader for Life/Cover Model Julian Assange, the whistle blowers on steroids will go with the “thermonuclear option” — releasing the key that de-crypts all of the files WikiLeaks has ever received, a 1.5-gigabyte trove of delicious secret-y goodness.

Assange is already cooling his heels in a London jail cell, so the clock is ticking. But why wait? We’ve downloaded the file and already figured out the secret encryption key. (The name of your dog, Julian? Really?) And though we haven’t quite finished poring over the 257,894,322 pieces of information contained within, we’ve already unearthed a few golden nuggets. Like these:

* A directory of sexy foreign spies who will sleep with American diplomats in exchange for state secrets, minus the names of those already shagged by Joe Biden.

* A list of women who are still willing to sleep with Julian Assange, with her name redacted.

* A guidebook for US soldiers attempting to locate Osama Bin Laden along the Afghan-Pakistan border, based on the popular “Where’s Waldo?” childrens books.

* Proof that Apple CEO Steve Jobs is in cahoots with the government. The Chinese government.

* Proof that the Chinese government is not only behind the hack attacks on Google and other US companies; it’s also responsible for Windows Mobile, Adobe Flash, Apple’s iTunes Store approval process, that lame-ass MySpace logo, and everything Yahoo has done since 2003. Thus prompting the State Department’s new China policy, “If it stinks, blame the chinks.”

* Nude images of Kirstie Allie, used to extract confessions from prisoners at Abu Ghraib and also as part of Scientology initiation ceremonies.

* Video of Russia’s Vladimir Putin saying to Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi, “This time you play the Russians defending Stalingrad, and I’ll be the German Luftwaffe coming in to strafe you.”

* A list of places where President Barack Obama is known to be extremely ticklish.

* Access codes to Dick Cheney’s secret underground lair in the heart of Iceland’s volcanic Mount Eyjafjallajökull.

* The missing WMDs. Turns out they were stashed in Julian’s closet all along, behind the dominatrix gear and his special WikiLeaks condoms.

* Photos of Moammar Khadafy and his Ukranian nurse, Galyna Kolotnytska.

* Photos of Vladimir Putin and his Ukranian nurse, Boris Bikdikskya.

* Proof that Clippy was actually an undercover CIA operative. The widespread hate toward him forced the government to revoke his security clearance.

* Documents showing that AT&T is actually operated by Al Qaeda; it’s regarded in inner circles as the terror network’s most effective method of torturing Americans.

* Classifed FBI files indicating that teen sensation Justin Bieber, as suspected, is actually Hilary Swank. The Feds hired Swank to portray Bieber in an effort to root out pedophiles, predators, and people with horrible taste in music.

* Documents obtained from the Australian National Birth Registry proving that “Julian Assange” is an alias. The guy’s real name? Julio Assbag.

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