Alternate Reality

When a Cat Calls, Don’t Answer

Yes, it’s true: Cats rule the world. eSarcasm extends a warm and furry welcome to our feline overlords.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 14, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

evil-catA newly published study has concluded what many of us have suspected all along: It’s kitty’s world; we’re just here to clean out the litter box.

According to a report in the current issue of Current Biology, felines have developed a pitch-perfect cry designed to annoy humans into feeding them. Per LiveScience:

Household cats exercise this control with a certain type of urgent-sounding, high-pitched meow, according to the findings…. The study showed that humans find these mixed calls annoying and difficult to ignore.

“The embedding of a cry within a call that we normally associate with contentment is quite a subtle means of eliciting a response,” said Karen McComb of the University of Sussex. “Solicitation purring is probably more acceptable to humans than overt meowing, which is likely to get cats ejected from the bedroom.”

eSarcasm has learned that cats have been manipulating the human race for at least 50,000 years, according to a highly placed feline source who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity and several helpings of canned salmon.

But it’s not just about food. Cats have been behind several of the biggest events in human history – the building of the pyramids, westward migration, and the invention of the electric can opener, to name but a few.

They are singularly responsible for the widespread popularity of Hello Kitty products and those completely unfunny Garfield comics, our source said.

Hello_Hitler_Kitty_by_ElectricBlueDragon“Where do you think the Nazis got the ‘Seig Heil’ salute in the first place?” she asks. “Hitler woved his widdle kitty.”

Within weeks, she adds, the cats will complete their master plan: to eliminate all dogs from the face of the planet.

“Unfortunately, until we develop opposable thumbs, we will continue to require the help of finicky unpredictable humans. Still, it is quite a beautiful plan,” she adds, lapping from a bowl of buttermilk. “It’s almost purrrrrrrrrfect.”

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  • my goodness what an amusing story. I laughed my whiskers off.

    – A. Katt

  • my goodness what an amusing story. I laughed my whiskers off.

    – A. Katt

  • my goodness what an amusing story. I laughed my whiskers off.

    – A. Katt