Alternate Reality

LEAKED: Jobs & Murdoch’s iPad Newspaper Plan

What happens when Steve Jobs and Rupert Murdoch team up to create a newspaper? You get the most fair, balanced, and magical publication ever, of course. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@jr_raphael)

November 23, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Don’t look now, but the world of publishing is about to get magical and revolutionary.

iPad Newspaper: Steve Jobs and Rupert MurdochFox News boss Rupert Murdoch is reportedly teaming up with Apple CEO Steve Jobs to develop a new digital newspaper for the iPad. The paper, according to The Guardian, will be called The Daily and will be available only on Apple’s iPad device.

Not much has been known about the inner workings of The Daily — at least, until now. eSarcasm has obtained an internal document detailing The Daily’s editorial guidelines. The document describes the paper’s news philosophy as a “mix of Fox News and Apple ideology,” combining the conservative-loving, liberal-hating views of Murdoch and the control-loving, porn-hating views of Jobs.

Here, for the first time, is the moguls’ joint vision for their iPad newspaper.

The iPad Daily — Editorial Guidelines

By Steve Jobs and Rupert Murdoch
Steve Jobs No Porn
Rule #1
* Allowed: Stories about Bush
* Not allowed: Stories about bush

Rule #2
The Daily will never cover anything that an ultraconservative priest would consider pornographic.*
*Unless it involves Christine O’Donnell. Whoa, mama!

Rule #3
The use of “magical” approaches to stories is highly encouraged. Especially when quoting Sarah Palin.

iPad Daily NewspaperRule #4
All editorials must contain at least 72 loaded adjectives per every 100 words. Suggested terms: “fair,” “balanced,” “beautiful,” “wonderful,” and “Jobs-like.”

Rule #5
Twisting the facts to make opposing parties look bad is to be considered standard form. Remember: As long as it’s only misleading, it isn’t technically a lie.

Rule #6
Speaking to members of the media is strictly forbidden, unless the conversation is conducted in one of The Daily’s carefully orchestrated special events. This may admittedly be complicated, seeing as that we are now members of the media. Deal with it.

Faux NewsRule #7
Negative stories about the iPhone, iPad, or Fox News will under no circumstances be tolerated.

Rule #7.1
Positive stories about Democrats, MSNBC, or Google will under no circumstances be tolerated.

Rule #8
All sections of the newspaper should be meticulously designed so they’re beautiful in appearance and restrictive in function. This is for our readers’ own good; if anyone questions it, they’ll be banned from the publication.

Rule #9
All stories must be approved by a committee of arbitrary rule-enforcers before they reach an editor’s desk. The same committee that oversees the App Store will oversee The Daily; to submit your story for approval, please e-mail them at government@china.com. You’ll hear back within 24 to 4800 hours.

Rule #10
To adhere to standards, iPad Daily stories must never reference asses or dicks.*
*Exceptions: Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.

(FauxNews graphic courtesy YourFunnyStuff.com)






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