Alternate Reality

TSA Issues New Rules for Airport Screenings

Responding to public protests, Federal officials have revised the procedures to be used in molesting potential terrorists. eSarcasm offers an exclusive look at the new rules.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 23, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

In response to the outcry over screening measures used at US airports, the Transportation Security Administration has issued a set of new guidelines clarifying procedures that screeners may perform, eSarcasm has learned.

We have obtained a confidential memo written by TSA chief John Pistole outlining the new security procedures, in an attempt to avoid massive civil disobedience at airports over the holiday travel season. Here are the details:



* Medical devices containing human urine, feces, and other bodily wastes must be emptied or consumed before entering the screening area.

* Images from “naked” body scans must be destroyed 72 hours after passengers have completed their last travel segment, except those repurposed for TSA training materials and the upcoming video release, Potential Terrorist Suspects Gone Wild.

* Male passengers whose scans reveal undersized penises may be offered gentle reassurance by TSA screeners. Sample phrases to be used may include: Wow, it must be pretty cold outside; Hey, at least you don’t have to worry about it getting caught in something; and, I bet you’re a grower not a show-er.

* Passengers may request a full body search in lieu of a security scan; however, they may not re-enter the pat-down line more than three times in any two-hour period, request a particular screener to perform the procedure, or ask TSA personnel to touch their ‘magic spot’.

* Men whose genitals are accidentally touched during any body search may request written documentation from the TSA certifying that they are not gay. Gay passengers may  request a letter certifying that they are gay and/or the screener’s phone number.

* Breasts may be examined using the under the shirt/over the bra method favored by most high school sophomores. Nipples may not be twisted, pulled, or pinched, but may be lovingly caressed in a clockwise direction.

* Women between the ages of 18 and 29 may be requested to offer additional visual assurances that no, those are not bombs.

* TSA personnel must display sensitivity when examining children in the screening area. While touching another person’s child, employees are discouraged from making references to Catholic priests, Turkish baths, or Michael Jackson.

* To put anxious children at ease, TSA screeners may offer to play fun games with them, such as Pull My Finger, or Reach In My Pocket I Think There’s Some Candy In There. No, Deeper. That’s It.

* Remember, children have an innate sense of fairness that must be respected. If they show us theirs, we must be willing to show them ours.

* Body cavity searches must always be conducted with the utmost concern for passenger privacy and comfort. Travelers should be offered a choice of lubricants and latex gloves in an attractive range of colors.

* Screeners conducting cavity searches should refrain from making gratuitous comments such as “Cover me, I’m going in;” “I hope you brought a book because this is going to take a while;” or “I think I just found another Chilean miner.”

When reached for comment, the agency released this official statement: “The TSA urges the public to remember that its airport screeners are people too, and have needs just like the rest of us.”

Mock TSA logo by Rhys Gibson via Bruce Schneier.

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