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22 Internet Activities That’ll Send You Straight to Hell

You know that thing you did online the other day? Yeah, you’re going to hell for that. Sorry, chief. But don’t say we didn’t warn you.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 19, 2010

Facebook HellSorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like you’re headed to hell.

Hey, don’t look at us. A pastor from New Jersey is the one who figured it out.

The pastor — Rev. Cedric Miller of the Living Word Christian Fellowship in Neptune — is asking his congregation to give up Facebook because he thinks it causes them to sin. He says he’s found far too many couples experiencing “marital trouble” (translation: extra-spousal boning) as a result of contacts made within the social network.

According to the Associated Press, Miller is requiring every married church official to delete his or her Facebook account. And he’s asking all church members to do the same.

eSarcasm has learned, however, that the concern is even greater than Rev. Miller realizes. Facebook, you see, is far from the only tech-related activity that’s causing people to make deals with the devil. We’ve identified 22 other things that’ll get you a one-way ticket to the bottomless pit.

If you’re guilty of any of these sins, prepare to burn. But hey, don’t get too worked up — it’ll only feel like an eternity.

The 22 Unforgivable Internet Sins

  1. Masturbation HellWhacking off to indecent material. To be clear, porn is not “indecent.” Detailed accounts of sexual encounters with Christine O’Donnell are.
  2. Issuing constant updates on your progress in Farmville. We’ve got a new “social game” for you: Hellville, where you burn for all eternity for telling us how many fucking virtual cows you just milked.
  3. Bragging about your Foursquare badges. Congratulations, you’ve now mayor of WeDon’tGiveaFlyingFuck.
  4. Paris Hilton VirginClaiming you never saw that Paris Hilton porn video. By now even her mother has seen it 10 times. In fact, we think her mother is in it.
  5. Describing any service as a “[something]-killer.” You know who’s a “[something]-killer”? Satan.
  6. Being Perez Hilton. Not because he’s gay, mind you — because he’s a total douche.
  7. Referring to yourself or your penis in the third person. Unless of course you’re Elmo (or Elmo’s penis).
  8. Watching Katy Perry videos – just to determine if she is indeed wearing panties — but failing to press “mute.”
  9. iPhone ButtHolding your iPhone in a manner unapproved by Rev Jobs. Your safest bet is to grip it firmly between both butt cheeks and pray.
  10. Pretending Jesus Christ endorsed your religion-themed book.
  11. Pretending Jesus Christ endorsed your geek-humor Web site.
  12. Tweeting during sex, childbirth, dental work, colonoscopies, or any other procedure during which an object larger than a peanut passes into or out of any orifice.
  13. Friending Mark Zuckerberg. Just don’t go there.
  14. ScobleizerAdding “-izer” to the end of your name. You’re a human being, not a blender. Get over yourself.
  15. Calling yourself an “award-winning reporter and editor,” then writing blogs that are blatantly plagiarized from other people’s work.
  16. Using the acronyms BFF, LOL, ROFLMAO, or STFU in any context after your 17th birthday.
  17. Not using the acronym MPICIMFP* while sexting.
  18. Sexting Phone     * My penis is caught in my flip phone. Duh. What did you think it meant?

  19. Publishing an unsubstantiated Verizon-iPhone rumor and acting like it’s factual.
  20. Logging onto comment forums for the sole purpose of defending Microsoft products. Don’t look now, but you’re already in hell.
  21. Posting naked cell phone pix of yourself online after your 40th birthday. Unless, of course, you’re a Craigslist Ho.
  22. Trying to force members of your church to stop using social networks. People fucked around long before Facebook, dumbfuck, and they’ll continue to fuck around without it.
  23. Reading eSarcasm.com. Those screwballs are clearly working for the devil.

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