Alternate Reality

Texting Teen Discovers the Hole Truth

If you text, don’t walk. If you must text and walk, try not to step into gaping holes in the sidewalk surrounded by guys in hard hats and flourescent vests. We’re just sayin’.

By (@tynanwrites)

July 13, 2009

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

manhole+girlholeWhat’s the price for obsessive texting: How about a nice impromptu dip in a bubbling vat of sewage? That’s what Alexa Longueira got last week when, busy twiddling her thumbs on her cell while walking along Victory Boulevard in Staten Island, the 15-year-old Longueria stepped right into an open manhole.

Fortunately, her fall was broken by a steaming reservoir of human waste. Per MSNBC:

For its part, the Department of Environmental Protection said its workers had turned away briefly to grab some cones when the incident occurred.

“We regret that this happened and wish the young woman a speedy recovery,” DEP spokeswoman Mercedes Padilla said in a statement. She added that crews were flushing a high-pressure sewer line at the time.

Longueira survived with minor cuts and bruises, but called the experience “gross, shocking, and scary” — apparently even more gross, shocking, and scary than living on Staten Island. Now, of course, her parents are suing the city. For what exactly they don’t know yet, but they’re sure they’ll come up with something.

Longueria’s plummet into a fetid cauldron of effluvia is far from the only time teens have fallen prey to the dark side of cell phones. eSarcasm has uncovered a veritable epidemic of comical injuries suffered by teens addicted to texting.

While IM’g her BFFs last May, 17-year-old Sarah Sudoku of Silver Springs, Maryland, slipped on a banana peel, narrowly missing a plate glass window being carried by two bumbling workmen before landing in a flatbed truck filled with chickens.

iPhone-obsessed Bob Froskeen of Des Moines, age 16, stumbled into a pie throwing contest and was immediately overcome by meringue. He was later treated at a nearby hospital for crust inhalation.

In the most serious incident, 13-year-old Sally Podesta of Tucson was nearly flattened by a 16-ton weight dangling above her head on a spindly piece of rope. Podesta had been busying tweeting with her friends, unaware of a deadly game of cat and mouse being waged nearby between a rabid coyote and an elusive roadrunner.

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