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Police on the Hunt for Elusive ‘Gmail Killer’

Law enforcement authorities are seeking an alleged serial killer who has threatened to murder Gmail, the iPhone, the Kindle, and Google. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@tynanwrites)

November 13, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Silicon Valley police are pursuing a possible serial killer that has been threatening the valley’s most iconic figures.

Late last week the alleged murderer re-emerged as reports of a “Gmail Killer” began circulating on the Net. The six-year-old Webmail service has been placed in protective custody pending completion of the investigation, which authorities say is currently focused on Facebook.

Police plan to cordon off an 8-square-block area surrounding San Francisco’s Yerba Buena Center on Monday, where at 10 am Pacific time Facebook is expected to announce its plan to take over the US Postal Service. That’s where many believe the Gmail Killer will strike.

Reports of a Gmail Killer are only the latest in a series of similar high-tech threats police believe are related.

“We’ve been following these guys for a long time,” says one officer who could speak only on condition of anonymity. “First there was the iPhone Killer, then the Google Killer, the Kindle Killer, the iPad…. A clear pattern has started to emerge.”

However, he says, authorities have been stymied in their investigation by the lack of actual victims.

“So far, nobody has succeeded in killing anything. But there’s always a first time.”

UPDATE: eSarcasm has learned representatives of Microsoft contacted authorities on several occasions to report threats from alleged Xbox-, Zune- and Windows Phone Killers, but no one ever returned their calls.

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