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Exclusive: Facebook to Take Over United States Postal Service

What happens when Facebook runs the post office? We’re about to find out. An eSarcasm exclusive.

By (@JRRaphael)

November 11, 2010

The story you're about to read is not (entirely) true. It is, however, more accurate than most things on network television.

Facebook Messaging EventFacebook is about to announce plans to take over the United States Postal Service, eSarcasm has learned. The takeover will be announced at an “invite-only event” scheduled for next Monday in San Francisco.

Invitations to the event were sent out to media members early Thursday morning. The documents show an enlarged version of Facebook’s messaging icon, leading many bloggers to believe Facebook was poised to launch a revamped version of its user-messaging system.

In a roundabout way, they’re right.

The new Facebook-operated Postal Service — FBPS for short — will revolutionize the manner in which snail mail is handled in America, sources say. Among the changes in store:

  • Postage will be free, but you’ll pay with your soul.
  • Anything you mail will be shared with the world if you fail to adjust your privacy settings every 3 months.
  • For priority delivery, you’ll need to include a photo of yourself in place of a stamp. The photo may be used eternally within FBPS advertising systems, external marketing materials, and internal masturbatory materials.
  • Disgruntled mail carriers may now comment on your bills and/or letters. This is normal and no cause for concern.
  • Anyone coming into contact with your mailings will have the opportunity to “like” what you’re sending. You’ll know a carrier “liked” your letter if it actually arrives more or less intact at its destination.
  • Staff changes will be implemented at all post office locations: Rude 52-year-olds in button-down shirts will be replaced by rude 25-year-olds in zipped-up hoodies.
  • Coming soon: the Farmville-invite postcard.
  • A new crop of douchebags will soon appear on the Internet who refer to themselves as “postal media experts.”
  • Mark Zuckerberg will get new business cards:

    Facebook Business Card

    • We should point out that our source was some guy at a Bay Area Taco Bell (but he swears that Zuckerberg “like, totally eats [there] all the time, bro”). It’s also worth mentioning that representatives from Facebook have adamantly denied everything in this story. Putting all of this together and using standard blog-reporting protocol, our only logical conclusion is that the FBPS is definitely real — and happening any day now.

      That’s how these things work, right?

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  • Iluvium

    Thought it was already that way…
    BTW what is Postal?
    Oh, that thing, naaa, my granny used to use it…

  • In addition, FBPS has revolutionized the way in which mailing discounts are handled. Instead of getting discounts for pre-sorting mail, providing ZIP+9, etc., a new mailing discount system will be implemented. A progress bar will appear on the top of every FBPS web page indicating how far you've advanced in your discount qualifications.

    A 25% discount will be offered if you consent to receive newsletters from FBPS (and provide your full name, address, and income).

    A 50% discount will be offered if you consent to receive newsletters from high quality third parties approved by FBPS (and provide all of the above information plus your employer name, salary, and most recent credit report).

    A 75% discount will be offered if you consent to pay your bills in Facebook Credits (and tie your bank account to your Facebook account).

    A 100% discount will be offered if you do all of the above and set your privacy settings to the recommended default values. Isn't that the definition of “open”?