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22 Things We Don’t Give a Rat’s Ass About

We tried, honest we did. But we just don’t give a damn about white iPhones, 4G networks, Windows Phone 7, or how much hair Christine O’Donnell has on her nether bits. Sorry.

By (@eSarcasm)

November 9, 2010

We know. It’s the blogosphere, so people have to be excited about something every goddamned day. Otherwise, what’s the point in being a Google Whore?

Still there are some topics we can’t get excited about. We’ve tried, God knows we have. But we just couldn’t do it. Here are 22 things that are really not worthy of a rodent’s behind:

1. The Verizon iPhone. Yes, eventually Verizon will get the iPhone and all will be right with the world. Also, eventually the earth will go crashing into the sun. You can go back to dry humping your Steve Jobs blow-up doll now.

2. The White iPhone. You say you just like the aesthetic, but we know it’s because you’re still waiting for Apple to prove that the black iPhone is really an American citizen.

3. Who has the bigger 4G network. Let’s be honest: The carriers all suck ass and screw us over every chance they get. Does it really matter which one has stretched slightly more low-quality wire around the country?

4. Christine O’Donnell’s bush. Hey Gawker: Publishing a tawdry account of a one-night stand with the Almost Senator from Delaware was bad enough. But did we really need to find out that the “waxing trend has completely passed her by?” No, we did not. Thanks for giving us a mental image we will never be able to erase. 

5. What Christine O’Donnell does next. Yes, we realize she’ll probably get some high-paying commentator gig on a cable news network, or maybe a talk show on the Uneducated White Bitches channel. We won’t be watching.

6. The RockMelt browser. We’re supposed to get excited because some old Netscape engineers didn’t have the sense to cash out their stock options and retire when they had the chance? Wake us up when Google buys them.

7. Blekko, the Human-Powered Search Engine. Bet you’ve already forgotten about this, haven’t you? We have.

8. Ask.com. See Blekko.

9. Humor-impaired commenters. Don’t find us amusing? No problem. We get that all the time from our significant others. Can’t tell when we’re trying to be amusing because you take everything you read as the literal truth? Two words: brain injury. Don’t worry, it’s not fatal. Unfortunately.

10. Anything Katy Perry says or does. Unless it involves describing and/or showing her tits.

11. Any book written by George W. Bush. Unless it involves describing and/or showing his tits.

12. What Fox News has to say about anything. Yes, we’re part of the liberal socialist conspiracy you keep hearing about. You may now feel free to defriend us on Facebook, Old Guys Who Smell Like Asparagus.

13. Anything written by a blogger who posts more than one "5 Reasons Why" story per year. Here are five words for you, pal: Shut the fuck up. Please.

14. Who the fuck you’re fucking from Craigslist. Look — if you want a prostitute, you’re gonna find a prostitute. Moving the brothel from "Adult Services" to "Skilled Trade Services" is just keeping us from, err, an extremely important engagement with a skilled services professional.

15. My _______. It was amusing for a while, back when you were the world’s leading site for strippers and pederasts. We even stuck with you after Rupes Murdoch bought the joint (see pederasts, above). But now it’s just sad.

16. Microsoft Anything. Are you guys still here? Seriously, when was the last time any sane geek got excited when you launched a new product? That’s right, Windows 95. Back when Ballmer almost had hair.

17. The Facebook Phone, the Google-Digg acquisition, and other non-stories TechCrunch makes up. If we’re looking to read fake news, we’ll go here, thankyouverymuch.

18. Perez Hilton, Tila Tequila, Ashton Kutcher. And everyone else whose intellectual fire power is limited to 140 characters or less. When did being a gibbering idiot equate with being cool? We must have missed that tweet.

19. Aol., Yahoo! and any other dot com with a gratuitously punctuated logo. Got a heavy metal band? We’ll spot you an umlaut. But using funky punctuation to make your site “stand out” went out with names that start with a little i or (ahem) diminutive e. You’ve already grown old, now it’s time to grow up. 

20. What a drunk-off-his-ass Twitter dweeb does or doesn’t try to do to a drunk-off-her-ass Google she-geek. Seriously, children. If you can’t play nicely we’ll take away your iPads. Don’t make us come over there.

21. Any cause that inspires you to put a bumper sticker on your car. Especially if it involves vegans (unless it also involves describing and/or showing their tits).

22. Justin Bieber.

Rats Ass image from The Life of a Rogue Named Gweedo. Yes, really.

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